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03 September 2008 @ 08:14 am
I would say that I have been more successful at stopping some of my impulses that were developed from abandonment issues. I have such obsessions and compulsion due to fears of scaring people away. Many people in my life have disappeared, Many guys and in fact in many ways my own parents at times. I blamed myself in many ways for their disappearing.I over the years Many of the people honestly prolly were not worth holding on to but that feeling ..that awful feeling that obsessed me and worried me that somehow..somehow it was my fault..that somehow by my not doing something or by doing something...I was why they left me or in general just disappeared.

I learned to eggshell walk. I learned to people please. I learned to be whatever my parents needed in order to avoid abandonment and also abuse from my mother. I got very good at anticipating what she would need from me to aovid getting hit or screamed at. You just do not easily abandon such protective survival instinct behavior. For years and years you learned to do what you could to avoid more abuse. You did what you could to have your father wanna spend time with his daughter that tried to not complain..tried to be ok with whatever he liked and wanted to do (in terms of entertainment). You learned to do whatever it took to please people to keep them fom leaving you.

I remember my mom running out of the house during an argument with my dad. I do not know how old I was...maybe a teenager. My dad then ran after her..possibly yelling her name. My mom got in her car and drove away. My dad got in his and drove away. No thought was given to me,.,,they just ran away from home so to speak.

My first for three years stopped talking to me like he was close to me or knew me beyond a casual level (quite cold actually) after when he suddenly left college and told me we'd find other people...started to call and call and even sent me a chocolate filled heart for Valentine's Day. He never gave me anything for that day. He considered it too commercialized I didnt agree with his view but I pretended I was ok with it. I swallowed a lot of my likes and dislikes that were contrary to his actually. Anyways he called and one night ,,,I was supposed to go see new friends I had made. He was my world and he left school without any warning. I didn't hear from him much that summer and then suddenly he tries to tell me in a letter he was gonna leave for me he was leaving school. I saw him and he laughed and gave me the little speech and broke my heart. After he left I had to make a world for myself there. I had to survive and not be alone. So I told him I had to go watch a show with my new friends and he said "You don't sound like you wanna talk to me" and then for three years..three fucking long years he treated me so coldly it hurt so much.

It reinforced this feeling if I took care of my own needs someone would go. If I voiced my dislikes..people would go. I had a friendship for 6 years that was very conditional on me idolizing her and keeping my mouth shut when shed cancel multiple times a month usually to see a guy. When I finally told her I was hurt she had cancelled doing something with me for my bday four times she decided we needed a break and was so mad at me. That friendship continued after our break but eventually ended because again she didnt wanna hear I was mad she cancelled on me cause of a guy. That friendship ending was one of the best things that could happen to me.

fuschia moved here shortly before that friendship ended. millari  and I met through her. I learned to have unconditional friendships...that I could say no. I could say I do not wanna see that movie. I could cancel cause I felt ibs sick. I could tell someone I was hurt by something they did. I could express my needs to someone. I could do all of that and they didn't disappear. They didn't leave me. They didn't make me feel like a horrible person because I had needs. In return I learned sometimes people cancel. Sometimes people get busy. Sometimes people feel sick. Sometimes people feel too sad to see you. I learned more of how I was not responsible for any of their cancelling or need for space. vu13 has been very helpful with helping to increase my trust in guys. He has been an unconditional friend. Many guys have disappeared in my life and some of that is some guys have a hard time being friends with girls they may develop stronger feelings for that are not returned. Also they get girlfriends that do not want them to be friends with girls. Also they just do not wanna be around anyone but their girlfriend 24/7. It didnt mean I was a bad friend or person.

I am learning. I would write and write and sometimes call and call a guy if a day or two passed and they hadn't responded back to me. I wouldn't necessarily be missing them. It was more the obsession..the compulsion driving me. Oh no they have disappeared. Oh no I said something I shouldn't have. I need to know they arent mad at me.  If they write me back that means they arent mad at me and they havent disappeared. Often that would make me seem needy and insecure. It wasnt my NEED for them though it was my NEED to not feel I was abandoned. The more I had this fear...the worse I would feel about myself. I was someone people ran from.. I was someone people forgot. What an awful feeling.

I am not sure what exactly is giving me the power now. It could be the Cymbalta which I was on up until a few days ago. I went back to Effexor because Cymbalta would make me either too groggy part of the day when I would take it in the day or not let me sleep if I took it at nght. It also ddn't make my tummy feel too good. I am a lil nervous my ability to not act on fear impulses may lesson when the medicaton is all out of me. My mind is less obsessy. It makes it easier to not act on a compulsion. I guess I will see. I will still try. I have managed to let almost a week go by before contacting a guy that is just a friend right now but there is a feeling it may grow into more after we had last talked. I just sent him a quick text and he actually called me. It felt good. It felt good when he texted me on his own and left me an im on okcupid when he found a new place to live and was excited about it. We hadn't talked in a few days before that.  It felt good that he was fairly consistent. We have hung out three times. The last time he spontaneously asked if he could come over like I had mentioned to see a movie or look at my art. He had said I prolly wouldnt be able to see him till the next month due to moving but yet he called and came over. I did not feel I had worked that hard like I usually do. I did not feel as much like if I didn't put me in his mind he would forget about me. It was hard. I had to talk to myself and say doesn't it feel so good..him coming to you? Doesn't it feel good not obsessing when you write him and he may not write back for awhile? Why not let the last exchange between the two of you be the last exchange for right now. Let more time pass. I do  and have been surprised when he would contact me first. I am being so damned restrained for me. i still am scared tho.

I still worry he wont call me again after our last talk on the phone. I worry he wont ask me to hang out on his own. I had suggested if he wasn't busy mayhaps 9/6th we could get together. He did not mention it in either of our last two talks. I didn't either and I won't. I am gonna for once just let it go. I am going to make other plans if I do not hear from him regarding it by the end of tonight. This may not sound huge to some people but for me using such restraint is huge for me. Letting someone develop incentive on their own to contact me...trusting that they will wanna see me because just maybe they will miss seeing me or talking to me. I have the fear but I am talking to myself kindly. I am telling myself to chill. Just see what happens. I have this feeling eventually when he is settled in he will call. He laughs when we talk. We have chemistry and I like our bouncing off of each other. I will try to have confidence that he will not disappear. This scares me to try to have that confidence. I at the same time have the fear and talk it down constantly. 

I am very proud of myself for doing this. I am proud of myself for finally standing there not preventing as actively abandonment. I am proud of myself for trying to let things just happen. I have good reasons to have the fears I do. The above incidents I have been through are just some of what I have been through. I am tired of living life so hypervigilently. I am tired of being this little 5 year old who is scared of being abandoned. I am just so tired.

If this guy does disappear then he does. I will survive. I am not putting all my eggs in one basket. I am not gonna let my life revolve around if I do or do not hear from him again but it will sting a little and my trust will prolly be hurt a little. I tho will keep trying...keep letting myself meet guys and mayhaps make better choices as my confidence grows. I know my confidence will grow the more in control of my abandonment issues I am. I am slowly getting there. I am slowly becomming less of a victim and a poor me.

Go me!





 
 
Current Mood: proud
 
 
11 August 2008 @ 02:39 am


Magic sand looks like ordinary sand but is hydrophobic, meaning water doesn't stick to it. It forms column-like shapes to minimize its contact with water. Pour the water out, and you have completely dry sand!

This also means it is incredibly fun to play with! I did a search on Google after seeing this video, and found that making magic sand is fairly easy. Put some sand in a baking pan and bake it for an hour to remove the moisture. Then spray Scotch Guard on it, let it dry, shake it around, and repeat that process twice. When you're done, you now have magic sand!
 
 
 
26 June 2008 @ 02:14 am
Cookie monster was one of my favorite Sesame Street characters growing up, but Mom and Dad disliked him because I imitated him all the time. :-)





Cross-posted all over the place.
 
 
20 June 2008 @ 10:57 am
Yeah this seemed like a place to vent a little and I'm getting worried b/c none of my friends comment on my journal, like ever.  Unless I'm really stressed, but I don't always want to use it for that and usually I'm pretty happy.  But I had this fight with my husband last night and, sometimes I forget how much I hate myself.  I was even raking my nails over my arms, like not enough to draw blood, but had to do something to feel better.  I'm such a loser and I think I will always have that to deal with.  No matter how old I am...and everyone on LJ is so young and spry.

It's like high school, although I was never this depressed back then.  The people on my journal are the cool guys and I'm just the geek that wants to be like them or wants them to like me so much, I push them away.  But I don't want to have to try to impress anyone!!  Why can't I just be myself?  How do they always get a zillion comments on their journals?  I feel so alone, like nobody cares because yeah OK I do get sad once in awhile.  They say keep your journal for yourself, but I don't know how to do that b/c I DO want attention, I can't help it.  I want people to like me and to care, like now when I need to know that I'm not alone.  I'm 36 and I feel so old on here anyway, sitting at work trying not to cry and I have work to do.  But I don't want to, I want the weekend so I can play and relax or something.  I've been waiting for this weekend for so long and I wish I could share my excitement with someone, but nobody notices me.  OK, real life is pretty good (besides the fight last night) so LJ shouldn't stress me out.

Sorry if I bum anyone out, I just didn't know where to turn.  Take care, peeps and thanks for readin'...and if nobody comments, that's OK, I'm used to it.
 
 
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
 
 
 
04 June 2008 @ 08:10 am
I gave us a makeover...what do you all think..
 
 
 
             I tend to not post much in this community partly cause I feel bad when people do not comment to my post. I am such a child sometimes. I wanted to welcome all new members and say hi to all old members. I am glad this community is still growing. I get new membership requests often. I do my best to screen people and have not allowed some people to join. I want this to feel like a safe place. That is my biggest aim. I want to reiterate that this is not a place for spam and content should be relevant to being an adult child (see community description in the info if you are not sure)and or ptsd.   It is a struggle trying to feel like an adult when your childhood/adolescence/teenage years were so bad you got frozen at various stages. I can feel 5 and 12 some days when I feel triggered. If anyone finds a post by anyone else offensive or triggering please email me and let me know, I send you all a big *hug* and I plan on writing some posts on here very soon. I have been really working very hard on being happier and not being so hard on myself. I hope all of you are able to or eventually will be able to nurture the child within you and give it what it needs. Child abuse is such an awful paralyzing experience and it can feel like chains binding you as you try to function in this world. I know. I was abused mentally and physically. My parents changed and now they are wonderful people who nurture me,support me,praise me. I am so thankful they changed. But I am still left with the scars. The scars that get in the way quite often of loving myself. I am trying tho and find that somedays,,, I do, Let this community help you embrace who you are and give you strength and support to become what you want. Free yourself from the chains by knowing none of what happened was your fault. You are beautiful and you are special. It is a long process... a painful one letting go...trusting yourself...putting you first (that is a big one I am working on) and accepting you can't make everyone happy with your choices and it does not make you a bad person if you do end up hurting people sometimes because you are trying to do what is best for you. Live this life as best as you can for you, You are worth it. You mean something.Now can you nurture my inner child and leave me a comment or too? It  is kinda hard being a moderator in a community where I do not get comments. My lil child inside needs the affirmation. 
 
 
 
03 June 2008 @ 03:28 am
I am a part of this Facebook application call Facebook House, where you use points to buy a house. Enough points, and you can upgrade. I get 200 points for anyone who joins that application using this link, so please, if you're a Facebook member (and even if you're not!) please click that link and join that application! I want a Hobbit House! I currently have a "nicer trailer" and 50 points. The hobbit house is 14,000 points! Help me, please?

Then, once you're a member and have a house, you can compete in the showcase competition with me. When you win, you get points. When you lose, I get points. And you can rematch a lot of times. (I don't know the exact number.) Also, if you join, I can give you 150 points free from the application people (doesn't cost me any points), and then you can do the same for me!

The hobbit house is what my goal is. Someday, though, I hope to have the pyramid house. THAT costs 50,000 points.

Oh, and if you join, there are all kinds of nifty houses to aspire to, like the Disney Castle, which is 110,000 points. There's also a pagoda (32,000 points), castle (40,000 points), tepee (6,000), Italian villa (100,000), or, on the cheaper side, a cute little cottage for 9,500.

Oh my goodness! Forget the pyramid, I just noticed the Haunted House for 60,000 points! *Dreaming*
 
 
26 May 2008 @ 04:31 am
i'm sorry for the "troll" content before. i was in a panick. please read my journal. start at chapter one. i need help
 
 
 
24 May 2008 @ 02:32 pm
Read more...Collapse )
 
 
11 May 2008 @ 12:20 am
This site displays photographs based on inspiration from children's art - kids draw whatever they like, and the photographers attempt to recreate the scene. Which is an interesting look into the mind of the photographer, how they interpret these scenes.