a lil triggered: when will the past not hurt so much?
Today I saw a teenage girl. She was upset because of something that was done to her that was done to me a long time ago. It is funny it was so long ago but if I think about it, I become that unkempt lil girl who didnt care about herself,,, I can so easily feel like her. So what was it that was done to my client and me? A boy pretended to like me just to get giggles from his friends. He was sitting in back of me I think and he touched my hand smiled and then laughed at his friend. Ah such a big joke to think any boy could ever like me. I also recieved lots of dirty notes. This was the only attention I ever got from boys pretty much till college with a couple of little exceptions. No wonder I find it shocking if a guy thinks I am attractive. I feel unclean, dirty,messy like the teenager I was (early teens)
But Im not her. But helping this girl was hard for me. I prolly handled it badly. I just wanted to be held myself as I sat there and remembered those feelings she was having.
Why after all this time do I feel like I am back there being harrassed and teased by boys? When will I ever break free of this?
Havent I changed enough outside and inside to not feel like men are going to look at me so negatively? I know this is why I have stayed in the past with some men who werent so nice to me. I am at the point where I wont put up with that anymore but I still dont feel worthy enough sometimes.. I dont feel pretty enough sometimes to break the old mirror.
I have changed alot since being her-> but she didnt deserve teasing,.,, I feel like such a prisoner of the past
Lil boys dont realize the damage they do when they tease someone in the way they teased me....
I am her-> in moments. I feel like her. I wish she would take over me and appease that lil girl who feels so yucky still,,, I wish she would allow me to just let her go... that was then I am now
