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20 May 2003 @ 03:55 pm
a lil triggered: when will the past not hurt so much?  
Today I saw a teenage girl. She was upset because of something that was done to her that was done to me a long time ago. It is funny it was so long ago but if I think about it, I become that unkempt lil girl who didnt care about herself,,, I can so easily feel like her. So what was it that was done to my client and me? A boy pretended to like me just to get giggles from his friends. He was sitting in back of me I think and he touched my hand smiled and then laughed at his friend. Ah such a big joke to think any boy could ever like me. I also recieved lots of dirty notes. This was the only attention I ever got from boys pretty much till college with a couple of little exceptions. No wonder I find it shocking if a guy thinks I am attractive. I feel unclean, dirty,messy like the teenager I was (early teens)

But Im not her. But helping this girl was hard for me. I prolly handled it badly. I just wanted to be held myself as I sat there and remembered those feelings she was having.

Why after all this time do I feel like I am back there being harrassed and teased by boys? When will I ever break free of this?

Havent I changed enough outside and inside to not feel like men are going to look at me so negatively? I know this is why I have stayed in the past with some men who werent so nice to me. I am at the point where I wont put up with that anymore but I still dont feel worthy enough sometimes.. I dont feel pretty enough sometimes to break the old mirror.

I have changed alot since being her-> but she didnt deserve teasing,.,, I feel like such a prisoner of the past

Lil boys dont realize the damage they do when they tease someone in the way they teased me....

I am her-> in moments. I feel like her. I wish she would take over me and appease that lil girl who feels so yucky still,,, I wish she would allow me to just let her go... that was then I am now

what will it take?
 
 
 
estokes on June 25th, 2003 02:11 pm (UTC)
Thank you for sharing that.
Lisolettesoulstorage on July 1st, 2003 01:57 pm (UTC)
thanks for commenting *hugs*
estokes on July 13th, 2003 09:05 pm (UTC)
*hugs back* It's both horrifying yet reassuring to know I'm not nearly as alone as I think.