September 3rd, 2008


Trying so hard to change:abandonment issue fears

I would say that I have been more successful at stopping some of my impulses that were developed from abandonment issues. I have such obsessions and compulsion due to fears of scaring people away. Many people in my life have disappeared, Many guys and in fact in many ways my own parents at times. I blamed myself in many ways for their disappearing.I over the years Many of the people honestly prolly were not worth holding on to but that feeling ..that awful feeling that obsessed me and worried me that somehow..somehow it was my fault..that somehow by my not doing something or by doing something...I was why they left me or in general just disappeared.

I learned to eggshell walk. I learned to people please. I learned to be whatever my parents needed in order to avoid abandonment and also abuse from my mother. I got very good at anticipating what she would need from me to aovid getting hit or screamed at. You just do not easily abandon such protective survival instinct behavior. For years and years you learned to do what you could to avoid more abuse. You did what you could to have your father wanna spend time with his daughter that tried to not complain..tried to be ok with whatever he liked and wanted to do (in terms of entertainment). You learned to do whatever it took to please people to keep them fom leaving you.

I remember my mom running out of the house during an argument with my dad. I do not know how old I was...maybe a teenager. My dad then ran after her..possibly yelling her name. My mom got in her car and drove away. My dad got in his and drove away. No thought was given to me,.,,they just ran away from home so to speak.

My first for three years stopped talking to me like he was close to me or knew me beyond a casual level (quite cold actually) after when he suddenly left college and told me we'd find other people...started to call and call and even sent me a chocolate filled heart for Valentine's Day. He never gave me anything for that day. He considered it too commercialized I didnt agree with his view but I pretended I was ok with it. I swallowed a lot of my likes and dislikes that were contrary to his actually. Anyways he called and one night ,,,I was supposed to go see new friends I had made. He was my world and he left school without any warning. I didn't hear from him much that summer and then suddenly he tries to tell me in a letter he was gonna leave for me he was leaving school. I saw him and he laughed and gave me the little speech and broke my heart. After he left I had to make a world for myself there. I had to survive and not be alone. So I told him I had to go watch a show with my new friends and he said "You don't sound like you wanna talk to me" and then for three years..three fucking long years he treated me so coldly it hurt so much.

It reinforced this feeling if I took care of my own needs someone would go. If I voiced my dislikes..people would go. I had a friendship for 6 years that was very conditional on me idolizing her and keeping my mouth shut when shed cancel multiple times a month usually to see a guy. When I finally told her I was hurt she had cancelled doing something with me for my bday four times she decided we needed a break and was so mad at me. That friendship continued after our break but eventually ended because again she didnt wanna hear I was mad she cancelled on me cause of a guy. That friendship ending was one of the best things that could happen to me.

fuschia moved here shortly before that friendship ended. millari  and I met through her. I learned to have unconditional friendships...that I could say no. I could say I do not wanna see that movie. I could cancel cause I felt ibs sick. I could tell someone I was hurt by something they did. I could express my needs to someone. I could do all of that and they didn't disappear. They didn't leave me. They didn't make me feel like a horrible person because I had needs. In return I learned sometimes people cancel. Sometimes people get busy. Sometimes people feel sick. Sometimes people feel too sad to see you. I learned more of how I was not responsible for any of their cancelling or need for space. vu13 has been very helpful with helping to increase my trust in guys. He has been an unconditional friend. Many guys have disappeared in my life and some of that is some guys have a hard time being friends with girls they may develop stronger feelings for that are not returned. Also they get girlfriends that do not want them to be friends with girls. Also they just do not wanna be around anyone but their girlfriend 24/7. It didnt mean I was a bad friend or person.

I am learning. I would write and write and sometimes call and call a guy if a day or two passed and they hadn't responded back to me. I wouldn't necessarily be missing them. It was more the obsession..the compulsion driving me. Oh no they have disappeared. Oh no I said something I shouldn't have. I need to know they arent mad at me.  If they write me back that means they arent mad at me and they havent disappeared. Often that would make me seem needy and insecure. It wasnt my NEED for them though it was my NEED to not feel I was abandoned. The more I had this fear...the worse I would feel about myself. I was someone people ran from.. I was someone people forgot. What an awful feeling.

I am not sure what exactly is giving me the power now. It could be the Cymbalta which I was on up until a few days ago. I went back to Effexor because Cymbalta would make me either too groggy part of the day when I would take it in the day or not let me sleep if I took it at nght. It also ddn't make my tummy feel too good. I am a lil nervous my ability to not act on fear impulses may lesson when the medicaton is all out of me. My mind is less obsessy. It makes it easier to not act on a compulsion. I guess I will see. I will still try. I have managed to let almost a week go by before contacting a guy that is just a friend right now but there is a feeling it may grow into more after we had last talked. I just sent him a quick text and he actually called me. It felt good. It felt good when he texted me on his own and left me an im on okcupid when he found a new place to live and was excited about it. We hadn't talked in a few days before that.  It felt good that he was fairly consistent. We have hung out three times. The last time he spontaneously asked if he could come over like I had mentioned to see a movie or look at my art. He had said I prolly wouldnt be able to see him till the next month due to moving but yet he called and came over. I did not feel I had worked that hard like I usually do. I did not feel as much like if I didn't put me in his mind he would forget about me. It was hard. I had to talk to myself and say doesn't it feel so good..him coming to you? Doesn't it feel good not obsessing when you write him and he may not write back for awhile? Why not let the last exchange between the two of you be the last exchange for right now. Let more time pass. I do  and have been surprised when he would contact me first. I am being so damned restrained for me. i still am scared tho.

I still worry he wont call me again after our last talk on the phone. I worry he wont ask me to hang out on his own. I had suggested if he wasn't busy mayhaps 9/6th we could get together. He did not mention it in either of our last two talks. I didn't either and I won't. I am gonna for once just let it go. I am going to make other plans if I do not hear from him regarding it by the end of tonight. This may not sound huge to some people but for me using such restraint is huge for me. Letting someone develop incentive on their own to contact me...trusting that they will wanna see me because just maybe they will miss seeing me or talking to me. I have the fear but I am talking to myself kindly. I am telling myself to chill. Just see what happens. I have this feeling eventually when he is settled in he will call. He laughs when we talk. We have chemistry and I like our bouncing off of each other. I will try to have confidence that he will not disappear. This scares me to try to have that confidence. I at the same time have the fear and talk it down constantly. 

I am very proud of myself for doing this. I am proud of myself for finally standing there not preventing as actively abandonment. I am proud of myself for trying to let things just happen. I have good reasons to have the fears I do. The above incidents I have been through are just some of what I have been through. I am tired of living life so hypervigilently. I am tired of being this little 5 year old who is scared of being abandoned. I am just so tired.

If this guy does disappear then he does. I will survive. I am not putting all my eggs in one basket. I am not gonna let my life revolve around if I do or do not hear from him again but it will sting a little and my trust will prolly be hurt a little. I tho will keep trying...keep letting myself meet guys and mayhaps make better choices as my confidence grows. I know my confidence will grow the more in control of my abandonment issues I am. I am slowly getting there. I am slowly becomming less of a victim and a poor me.

Go me!

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