June 20th, 2008

Maya Deren

So confused

Yeah this seemed like a place to vent a little and I'm getting worried b/c none of my friends comment on my journal, like ever.  Unless I'm really stressed, but I don't always want to use it for that and usually I'm pretty happy.  But I had this fight with my husband last night and, sometimes I forget how much I hate myself.  I was even raking my nails over my arms, like not enough to draw blood, but had to do something to feel better.  I'm such a loser and I think I will always have that to deal with.  No matter how old I am...and everyone on LJ is so young and spry.

It's like high school, although I was never this depressed back then.  The people on my journal are the cool guys and I'm just the geek that wants to be like them or wants them to like me so much, I push them away.  But I don't want to have to try to impress anyone!!  Why can't I just be myself?  How do they always get a zillion comments on their journals?  I feel so alone, like nobody cares because yeah OK I do get sad once in awhile.  They say keep your journal for yourself, but I don't know how to do that b/c I DO want attention, I can't help it.  I want people to like me and to care, like now when I need to know that I'm not alone.  I'm 36 and I feel so old on here anyway, sitting at work trying not to cry and I have work to do.  But I don't want to, I want the weekend so I can play and relax or something.  I've been waiting for this weekend for so long and I wish I could share my excitement with someone, but nobody notices me.  OK, real life is pretty good (besides the fight last night) so LJ shouldn't stress me out.

Sorry if I bum anyone out, I just didn't know where to turn.  Take care, peeps and thanks for readin'...and if nobody comments, that's OK, I'm used to it.
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