November 10th, 2007


a peek at mommie dearest:my mom just acted a lil like she used to back in the scary days

    I get an email from my mom


Since I haven't heard from you either by phone or email, I am assuming that you didn't listen to the phone message I left for you on Thursday either on your answering machine or on the phone itself which goes into an answering machine if you're on the phone. If you haven't listened then please do now, if you have, I'd appreciate a response.


                            I knew I was in trouble. My dad had graciously agreed to treat me to the Amtrak ticket to go home. My mom had wanted me to pay half and I cutely asked her a couple of days ago if since they would have visited me anyway if she could make it half of that half that I would pay her $25 vs $50 . They stay at a hotel and take me to dinner and stuff and do not charge me so I thought doesnt hurt to ask. My mom said no. But then a day ago I get a phone message from her saying that my father is more generous than she is and he has agreed to pay the whole ticket where as she would have just had me pay $25. Well when I got her message I was in the middle of something quickly checking my phone messages..prolly between clients...and I was appreciative but..well I forgot to write her and thank her or call her. Had I not been in the middle of doing something I prolly would have written a note or called. But because I didnt... I was the ungrateful child who did not appreciate what her mom did for her.

                       So after I get the email.. I know my mom and I had a feeling she was pissed at me,,, I call her and say thank you. She told me how hurt she was by my not calling or writing before her email. I said I do appreciate it and felt regressed to a kid. I told her exactly the truth and also how my memory isnt always good. I told her the Effexor and anxiety does that to me. I explained I listened to her message on the run in a hurry.

                             I had to pussyfoot and say Im sorry Im sorry again and again and say I do appreciate,,eggshell walk..eggshell walk..what you did. It took maybe five to ten minutes for her to get that tone out of her voice..the scary tone that used to scream at me and yell at me and hit me. I had hurt my mother because I did not say thank you. Suddenly I was a bad kid.

    I have friends say stop saying sorry all the time. Why do you say it? I learned I guess to say I am sorry to survive. To say the words I knew would calm my mother down.

                          I am proud of myself for telling her cant take this stuff doesnt mean I dont appreciate what you did. I do and if I forget to tell you it isnt fair to do this. Or whatever I said. So I basically did tell her she cant measure my appreciation by me forgetting to acknowledge it..

                                 I guess this is also why if someone doesnt say thank you or tell me if they liked something I gave them...I think they dont like it  or they didnt care or something,.

                               My mom's thought process and behavior is in my mind like that blood in Macbeth...out out damn mother's thoughts,,,

                                                      My mom is wonderful now she really is but she is still in some ways a lil girl who looks for approval and affirmation and is resentful and angry when she doesnt get it tho it is very rare now for her to be angry at me. No wonder I need so much damned affirmation from everyone and I often act like I need permission to exist.