December 17th, 2006

true love

learning about me and the kid in me and boys

It is nice to see people posting in here it makes me happy that even if I am not visiting here at times you all are keeping the spirit of what I intended this to be alive. Thank you.

I have been going through a very rough time. The worse depression I have ever had. I have lost so much confidence in myself and in men too. I realized that I have been so afraid to ask for what I need from guys that I have only attracted or been unconsciously attracted to men who are happy with you as long as you do not ask for anything or as long as you go along with everything they want.

I didnt wanna be like my mother. Growing up I saw her control my father and be so mean to him. She was so manipulative so passive aggressive. I didnt wanna be that woman. In trying to not be her I have ended up close to a doormat with guys. Whenever I do assert myself with anyone I am so terrified they wont wanna be around me anymore. This has controlled my life in so many ways. I keep trying to get overly self occuppied men to give me attention..kind of like I guess I tried to get my dads attention as a kid.

I am still haunted by my first and only love....I go on ok cupid and he is on the front page..his journal.. for years I was looking for him and now he is in my face and I dont like what I see. He writes so bitterly so cynically about relationships. His entries start dating myths,,,,,and the latest one was that women like geeky guys... and then he went and bitterly cut that apart,,that was just the beginning I didnt click to read more. I wanted to write him and say yes I love geeky guys but ones who dont neglect me. It wasnt the geeky part that was why I ended it with you it was the neglect and emotional abuse.

He haunts me and I have been looking for this man this boy in all of my relationships with men. I finally realize that I have to be brave enough to leave behind men who dont wanna hear what I have to say. Men who make me feel I have to tiptoe and swallow my who dont ever want to do what i who dont try to make me who dont care about my feelings. I am starting to do this but it is so hard. I like the geekiness...the quirkiness in these men I am attracted to because they remind me of the good parts of my first. I tho have to leave these guys behind if they show me they are mostly self focussed. I have to and I have to believe I can find someone interesting and geeky or quirky but who is a kind human being who tries not to hurt others.

The kid in me has been through enough neglect from her father and enough abuse from her mother and neglect from old boyfriends...she needs love and she needs care and she needs to know she is special..she is. I just have to help her believe it more. Maybe then she will stop attracting and be attracted to men who are not good for her.

by the way...the song I am listening right now to is so lovely
  • Current Music
    rain on the pretty ones-ed harcourt