October 29th, 2006

me intense kid

adult child in full gear mode

Lately I have been feeling like such an adult child. I have not felt this way in awhile. I am feeling such sadness and regret feeling so old and how it isnt fair I cant be a teen in real life like I feel I am in my mind. I see youngins and feel sad that I never had it like that. I feel sad I have yet to find someone special to love as I watch everyone else. What if my time came and went. I look very very young and I act young but I still am 38. I feel like this big wounded kid walking around the universe. I need so much affirmation..reassurance. I need to know if I am liked or I quickly may run out of the way. I hate to feel like I am chasing people. My biggest problem seems to be that I tend to not give up for a bit communicating with people who really are unreliable...neglecful... I just hate to let go of possibilities even if they are poor choices. My ego is still so low and I feel if I do not put myself in guys minds (ok almost all of these feelings applies to my interactions with guys)they wont remember me on their own. I feel so forgetable. It is a stinky feeling. I have the ego of a teen still..fluctuates and it can be so dark in my mind sometimes..hopeless for a moment trying to be a sensitive giving and loving person in a cold world at times. I see the world like a frightened child and wait for someone to hurt me. I wish I could treat me better. I wish I could believe I am worthy for more than a moment. I wish I could believe love will find me but my cynicsm grows and grows and I get younger and younger in my mind it seems as I feel more and more unwelcome in this world. Thank the faeries for my friends but everyone else is a potential person who could hurt me...I sit clutching a blanket of a victim...it is held close to me..familiar...it is what I wore during the awful time I had growing up...growing up physically...but...I wonder how much of me did grow up mentally. It is hard getting so upset cause some some idiot wont chat back with me on the net..or disappears..or never writes me again. I  wish I could just say they are assholes but it hurts me. These interactions hurt me no matter how small. I do care if someone doesnt wanna talk to me again. The kid in me hates to scare people away..;.hates to be in the way..is quick to get out of the way even if she isnt in the way..she assumes... I assume and assume and try not to offend the world. It is so hard living this way sometimes.
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