September 3rd, 2006


relationships scare me-abuse distorts expectations and reality

It has been awhile since I have felt this excited and hopeful about a guy... such a long time and it stirs up all kind of thoughts and feelings...

A guy I just started seeing came over yesterday for the first time (it was our second meeting) and upon seeing my living room with all of the faerie dolls and lord of the rings barbies on top of my hutch and all the various other random faerie things said this place is so happy. It is hard to feel sad here. I just thought I liked dolls but maybe I have tried to construct a room where it is happy..childlike in ways that are pleasing to me.

I think this guy is the first guy I have ever been involved with who wasnt just looking out for himself..who encouraged me to be myself. So many times I concealed parts of me,,,did not want to be like my mom controlling and went in the opposite direction and became so passive so afraid to say no I dont like that you are doing that. These kind of relationships tended to end when I did affirm myself finally. Some people need people who are passive so they can be in control themselves,,,makes them feel stronger and when you try to assurp that power some they feel weaker so they end it or they are bigger assholes so you will end it.

Having an abusive mom and a neglectful dad set up that pattern of egg shell walking and people pleasing. I realize how in so many areas of my life I have been doing this and how much of my life it has stolen from me.

I realize my concept of what is nice treatment from a guy was really distorted in that the littlest gesture from a guy.. a lil act of kindness or a lil compliment here or there...dont say I am beautiful cause I sure may fall for you if I find you attractive,,,and I was like wow he is so great. It is funny how I give so much and yet thought the littlest I got back was oh so wonderful.

It is scary that someone who I have spent time with two times and been chatting with since um June or July could be so different than what I am used to. It scares me to believe that someone ,,,some guy actually (my friends have shown me I can trust them) cares enough about my feelings to try not to hurt them. To address my fears and not call me paranoid. To be sensitive. It scares me.

This guy told me to not worry,,he doesnt want me to worry (and this was before I even said I was worried,,he just knew a lil of my history with men disappearing). He said even tho I may not be able to see you all the time and there will be periods where I cant.. I will call or I will im. Dont worry you will see me again. I like you very much.

I see such sincerity in him and it is amazing,,,,

I have been fooled so many many times before,,,

the line of I dont scare easy..I dont shock easy... I can handle anything...
is so easy to say,,,
but all of them did get scared away,,,
just cause I needed them to care
and give me affirmation
and that they were scared of someone not being a complete prickette to them

people get scared of being treated well if they were treated shitty in the past quite often
and yes I am scared but also so happy
and want this promise on a platter from him to be true
I want him to be real and not some fake persona he is spinning for me
to please me

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