August 22nd, 2006


(no subject)

I saw my psychiatrist today, Dr. Mark.  It was a rather successful and enjoyable visit.  He's picked up on the fact that I'm older, and also that I've learned a bit about psychology from college, so he doesn't have to baby me or dumb down his explanations of things.  He just explains things as they are, making sure I know exactly what I will be putting into my body and what it should do to the various chemicals in my brain before I agree to anything.  And he helps me to understand my disorders better, which is amazingly helpful.  He's not like my past psychiatrists, who would just prescribe me meds and not explain anything, leaving me confused and frightened of what the fuck this might do to my body and my brain, yet also frightened of not taking it because I would most likely have an emotional breakdown.  But Dr. Mark is cool.  I don't feel like I'm patient and he's doctor, instead we work as a team to keep me sane.  He recognizes that though I'm only 20 and don't have a degree in anything yet, I am the only one who can really know what it's like to live my own life and I know far better than anyone else what's going on in my own messed-up head.  And I recognize that even though he's an outsider who hardly knows me, he has a lot of information and experience in the field, so I really do need his opinion.  (I would hope so anyway, because my mommy and daddy are paying a ridiculous amount of money for me to see him).  Sometimes when he doesn't have other patients that day, I'll stay late and we'll just talk about psychology in general, because psychology is an interest of mine and obviously it's an interest of his.  A nice refreshing change from talking about my meds.  It reminds me that doctors are in fact real people, not just robots who sign things, take your money, and hand you bottles.  He's also partially Pagan like me, which means I automatically have some sort of connection with him.  He is my friend, as much as a 40something year-old doctor dude can be to his 20 year-old patient anyway. 

Side note:  In case you are wondering, yes I have tried therapy, and still do see a therapist.  And I also try my best to eat healthy and to exercise, I meditate daily, and use livejournal as a tool to vent and try to figure out the causes of my issues.  I just felt the need to mention all this because it bugs me to no end when people judge me for being medicated and say things like "There are better ways.  You're just being lazy and taking the easy way out.  Do you have any idea what that stuff is doing to you?  You're killing yourself."  Well when you've tried everything under the sun and you're still very unstable, there is no better way.  Unfortunately, there is no one solution, it has to be a combination of things.  And yes, my meds have side-affects.  All 7 of them.  But it's worth it.

So today I told Dr. Mark that I've been feeling fuzzy lately, more so than usual.  And he told me that that is likely because I am getting better, so I am noticing side-affects of my antidepressants that I didn't notice before because you don't usually notice side-affects as much when you really do need the meds you're on.  So he took me off one of the meds I'm currently on and replaced it with a mild homeopathic remedy, something that is natural and better for you than traditional meds but also not as strong even if it is not the mild form.  Scary, very scary.  I hate changes in meds.  I know deep down that I do need to change things as my needs change, and that in reality this particular change will be very good for me if it works because it is a step in the right direction, but still it scares me.  Just because of my history, of all my memories of changes in meds doing horrible things to me.  Well, here's to hoping that I am in fact getting better, and that this will work.  For that would be very good news indeed.
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