November 13th, 2005


I think I'm 2

The last 24 hours have been a misery of infant time. Seconds have seemed like years. I tried my best to go a day without seeing my ex... now my best friend (?). What do I even call him? Ex has the connotation of hatred and no longer being in contact. But we see each other and hang out all the time... at his request as well as mine... I don't know. I feel weird. We both play this online game together - City of Villains. It just came out. Before thet we played World of Warcraft together. Yesterday we spent the day reading each others' writing, going for a walk and then playing City of Villains. My desktop is set up at his house right now because I need to buy a desk. That will happen this month. I feel really good when we spend time together but then I have to leave and there's no kiss or love. And the next day I feel like shit and all I can think of is how badly I want to be with him. So all day I have been in constant pain of wanting the guy. I wake up miserable because I hate sleeping alone. I loathe it. Sleeping alone is the worst part of this whole thing. I need the security and warmth of another person while I sleep. I spent all day at work thinking about how I would have to sleep alone for the rest of my life. During the weekdays I'm a teacher, but at night and on the weekends I have to work at Subway to pay the bills. Working at Subway makes me hate people. All day all I could think of was how rude and crappy the people were who came in and that I would never in a million years want to be with anyone like them. And I convinced myself that my guy was the only guy in the entire world I was compatible with... hence sleeping alone forever. I feel so lost and small and alone right now. My mind is screaming at me about how I need people. I need human contact and affection and I have so little of it here. I just feel like an abandonded little kid. Sorry for all these pitiful posts... I need to get it out.
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