November 9th, 2005


(no subject)

I think I'm going through the hardest time in my life right now. I did something so stupid. I was in love with a wonderful man. I still am. When I finished grad school, I moved to the midwest to be with him while he finished school. Six months later, he broke up with me. This happened last week. I have been miserable and in acure emotional and physical pain since. When we were together, even though he was nothing but good to me, I had constant nightmares about him leaving me. There is no other woman or anything... he just couldn't handle my incredible emotional dependence. He wasn't ready for what I wanted. I thought he was. I didn't know anyone when I moved here except him and his friends. It took me forever to find a job. But those things are alomst beside the point. Any time I get in a relationship, I lose myself to the other person. My interests that differ from theirs go out the window. I become as much like the person as possible so I don't disappoint them. I laugh at the same things and hate the same things. I lose touch with my friends. I lose myself. My every waking and sleeping minute is devoted to this person. I feel like I can't live without this person. I need them to approve of me and love me to feel good. The reason this is so much harder than other breakups is because of the person. In the past, when I was dumped, I was only afraid of being alone. The exact person dumping me didn't really matter. I just didn't want to be alone. This time I am so in love with this individual. I love him, not the relationship. I'm not afraid of being alone - I'm afraid of being without him. I don't understand how if you love someone as passionately as he said he used to love me, it can just go away. He says that over time, my codepedency wore him down and he no longer loves me. I'm so lost. Some hours I feel like I will be able to move on. Some hours I only want to curl in a ball and hope to die. He wants to be my best friend. He calls to hang out and spend time together. We go for walks and out to dinner and hang out and it's the same except he doesn't love me anymore. He is going to start dating other people and that will kill me. He said not to hold onto him because the chances of him coming back to me are highly unlikely. I want to cry and cry and cry and for someone else to make it better. I never learned how to be good to myself. I never learned how to take care of myself. I keep trying to relive my childhood through the men I date. Codependency is ruining my life. I'm trying to stop it but it's so hard and I don't know how.
  • Current Mood
    crushed crushed

Another angsty post

I'm sorry for so many posts. I'm also sorry for apologizing. I am a chronic apologizer. I have to do it all the time for everything, multiple times. Sometimes I think it's OCD. But I never know the exact number of apologies that will satisfy me - it just happens. It's part of my adult child thing. I'm doing a lot of self discovery and a lot of remembering. I've been reading this book called "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person." It's very good and speaks to me in a lot of ways, except that the book assumes the one who is addicted is the one who wants to end things. I'm also reading a more scholarly book called "The Evolution of Desire." I've never been one for conventionality, but I can't help how I feel about lov right now. Anyway, the apologizing thing comes from my mom. She was a crappy parent. I don't ever remember getting hugs from either parent. In fact, I distinctly remember being afraid to touch skin as a very young child. I remember being 2 or 3 and being afraid to touch my mom's skin when she picked me up and she was wearing a tank top. My dad never hugged me as a little kid. I don't remember it anyway... shouldn't you remember something like that? When my mom got mad at me (throughout my whole life) she would yell and curse and then give me the cold shoulder until she wasn't mad anymore. And that time varried depending on what I did. And it was everything from spilling a drink on the rug as a kid to fighting over car insurance as an adult. When she got mad, she ignored me, and it made me feel like shit. And I would apologize over and over again until she would love me again. So, that there is a learned behavior I have to stop. This isn't even the point of the post... but self discovery is exciting, even if it is also sad. The first steps to getting better are recognizing the problems.

Anyway, I'm still going through the worst break up of my life. As I have told the beautiful souls who are helping me through this, my resources are limited. This town is so small... it's a college town where everyone is either under 25 or over 50. And there is nothing here. No bookstore, no all night diner or cafe, no theatre, no music, no alanon or acoa... just bars and... bars. I'm no longer a student and can't afford the health insurance offered at the community college I teach for. Therapy options are limited. I don't think the university is big enough that they will except folks off the street. I'm reading everything I can get my hands on about codependency and addiction. While I don't get addicted to harmful substances, I do get addicted to things and people. Especially people. I'm trying to fight it but it's like I'm a heroin addict without a methadone clinic. I can only do so much alone. So, I turn to the internet for whatever help I can get. I have some resources here. A friend who is a therapist in training, a sympathetic supervisor at the CC, and a bunch of really nice co-workers at my second job. My coworkers at the second job are nice but their main advice is to get drunk and high... not really my thing. I also have a cat. Pets are wonderful. I haven't really appreciated her much this week, but now that I think about it, she makes sure I never sleep totally alone. But I need all the help I can get. So thank you for reading and responding and simply having this community. I'm trying to find out a lot of things about myself and this community is so helpful.

Tonight I had dinner with my (former) guy. I wrote him a five page letter explaining how I feel about everything. He knew most of it because he reads me like a book. But writing is more dignified for me. I don't cry and snot all over myself while I do it. We talked for a long time. He says I'm more than a friend but less than a girlfriend. We both agree that friends with benefits is a very bad idea. Neither of us wants to ruin what we have. Neither of us can imagine life without the other. Well, he imagines it but desperately doesn't want me to go back home. I told him that I don't need for him to come back to me but I do need to know that it isn't impossible. He told me that nothing is impossible. I said that eventually I would get over that need. But for now I needed to know that. I feel better in some respects but worse in others. I can't stop thinking about him in terms of being my boyfriend. It's like I'm in denial. I think, "What? Not my boyfriend? That's just unnatural." I have to actively keep myself from kissing him or calling him hon. It's so hard. I'm so confused but I'm working on it. I want to get better and become independant more than anything. More than getting him back... but not by much. Maybe the gap will get wider in time.

On a weirder note, does anyone believe in signs or cruel cosmic irony? A week before he broke up with me, I had my fingers out the car window when I went out to the store with a friend. I was wearing the ring he gave me on my right ring finger. My friend wasn't paying attention to me and auto rolled the window up on my hand. The ring cut so deep into my finger that it left a scar. I will forever have a scar across my right ring finger. Cruel irony or coincidence?

Oh, and I have no idea how to do an LJ cut because I am not wise in the ways of the computer.
  • Current Mood
    exhausted exhausted