August 25th, 2005


ptsd struggle

I finally had my counseling yesterday. Three weeks is a long time sometimes. I told my therapist I wanted to try to explore where these adandonment issues come from. I know my reactions and thoughts are irrational when I feel rejected. But where do they come from? I this all from what I remember happening with my parents or are there memories of things they may have done to me that I have forgotten. I know also my first John did a number on me what with his on and off diappearing act but somehow it doesnt seem to all justify this very strong reactions I have when I feel someone has forgotten about me. PTSD is not a rational is irrational but it is based on events from the past that cause one to be on alert still. In the moment these feelings feel so real and it as if I am about to be hurt really badly. If one does not have PTSD it is very hard to imagine how strong these feelings can be. The need to protect yourself at all costs before someone rejects you or is mean to you. I am trying hard to fight all this but it is hard. At least now in addition to the irrational thoughts I have the rational too. Now if only its voice was louder.... in time maybe it will be.
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