August 16th, 2005



Ok it is scheduled. I will be going back to Long Island to visit my parents and that awful town called Plainview where so many bad things happened to me. It will be 9/9. We will be in NY on 9/11. Long Island not NY city. No that we will (me and Valerie) be doing 9/10. We were supposed to go 9/2 but Valerie's mother realized that it was a date she needed Valerie so yet again it is postphoned but this time only by a week. I just want to get this over with. I am scared. I am scared that I will see people from the past and they will still be the age they were when they hurt me. I am scared I will be swallowed up inside my parent's bellies when I am again in their home. The home I grew up in. I have to do this tho. I have to face some of my demons.

I learned that one of my friends I had in LOng Island that I purposely lost touch with, is still living in Long Island and works at a bank. It seems nothing has changed with her in all this time. My mom bumped into her mother at the library. I outgrew her and my other Long Island friends years ago. I had more ambition and much more fire than prolly everyone I knew in Long Island except for one and he moved to Chicago.

I feel I am a New Englander. Not a NYorker.

I never felt a part of Long Island. I will be going back a stranger.

I have this wish I will go back there all redheaded and voluptuous and some guys from the past who called me dog and ugly will see me and say "Wow you look hot!" silly silly me. After all of these years I want validation from my torturers.

I am thankful for my life here. Even if I do not have a special man in my life. Even if I make very lil money. I am thankful that I am a passionate creature and can expand my wings here.

I was a scared so very scared brightly colored person living in a grey and scary world when I lived in NY. I am highlighted now and will stand out from the painful superficial world of Long Island when I go there.

Yes I am scared. But I must do this. I will have Valerie with me to keep me grounded in the present. Thank the faeries for that.