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Lisolette
22 July 2005 @ 07:47 am
I really noticed this week how I can get fixated on every single word someone says to me be it in person or online tho online seems to be worse because I can read the words over and over again and save them and read them over and over again. I used to call this obsessed. I called it not wanting to guess wrong not wanting to say the wrong thing. I didnt ever ever really connect it to my PTSD. People would tell me to just stop doing that. Stop breaking down every word it is driving you crazy. Yes it does. Becase not only do I fixate on every action every word someone says (I do this more with men)but I will blame myself for the following:they go on away without warning, they logg off without warning, they say an abrupt bye, they don't aim me, they don't hug me, they say just later (I hate that word... I really do sounds like such a brush off to me like later is never....)and other things I can not recall at the moment. I am a self centered person. The world revolves around me as my mom would say... I think the world revolves around me.

Well my protective world revolved around me as a kid. I would have to guess every lil nuance of my mom's expression in order to avoid her wrath. Was mom happy? Was she sad? Uh oh she looks angry... I better think fast...what what can I do to calm her down. What can I do to make her feel better so she won't hurt me? This dance this tiptoing dance I would do all the time as a kid and a teenager and also somewhat in my 20s. She could switch moods so damned fast. I think my mom may have PTSD. The way she reacts sometimes...but more so when she was younger. I used to think it was bipolar but I am not so sure tho she really did swing from an angel to a monster. But if she had a argument with my dad it was noone in this house loves me..noone in this house does anything to help me... all of this blaming blaming. If my mom and dad had a fight my mom would come into my room for comfort. This lil girl this young teenager was given the job of listening to her mom complain about her dad and cry and cry to her. I would feel so compelled to make her feel better. I can not describe what that did to me but it did alot to me. I can not easily see anyone suffer. I think I may have been born somewhat empathic but I was very conditioned also to be so.

My therapist says I have very keen perception and can pick up very subtle things that a person feels... I pay attention to body language and facial gestures and while this can be a good thing sometimes... I often will blame myself for what I see. I do not do this on purpose. I was programmed. It is almost like being in a cult of sorts,,,the cult of blame.

It is such an awful awful feeling to blame yourself for every one disappearing..every one not talking to you anymore,,,,for them maybe not being as ffiendly as usual. I hate it and I do not do this on purpose. It is a defense mechanism I built as a kid to survive. I had to. If I didnt I would have been abused even more. I feel for that lil kid who had to dance around the pieces of glass every day and night. She is still here in me and she is trying she thinks to keep me safe. How can I explain that when I think I scared someone away by being myself it feels like daggers. I feel like the most horrible person in the world and I just wanna hurt that horrible person I think I am in the moment...like I did when I was younger. I dont hurt me physically anymore. I do it mentally. I am brutal. I can get so fixated on every single thing I am not natural. I act to please... I do to not offend. I am to be accepted and loved.

I am fighting this so much. Now I will have to really try to think of the million of reasons someone may be the way they are towards me in the moment

they are tired
they had a bad day
they didnt see me online
they got booted
they are sad
they are mad
they have stuff on their minds
they are distracted
they are watching tv
they dont feel good

and the million more reasons....
the reasons I may be the way I am in the moment

but the thing is...

not only am I hypervigilent (a key PTSD symptom)about how others are with me

I am hypervigilent about how I am with others
I am overly overly conscientious about all I say and do
and overexplain myself
and go out of my way to not offend anyone
and it is exhausting sometimes

I want to be free from all of this analyzing all of this breaking apart everything to avoid stepping on landmines

I am going to try
to use self talk more
and remember

the world does not revolve around me
 
 
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