May 2nd, 2005


Am I growing up maybe a lil....

My parents came and the visit was nicer than usual. I found myself tho almost plunked into my role to keep the homeostasis of my parents dysfunctional relationship togetherI faught it tho really hard. I could see so clearly the dynamics of my parents and how they misintepret each other and how they inadvertently hurt and trigger one another's issues. I somehow ended up giving my parents therapy. Yes not just a lil advice but actually identified for them what I they could reframe things for one another..I am a trained therapist after all.. I helped them communicate instead of butting heads and running away. It is a very wierd wierd sensation to do this willingly. When I was younger I was expected to help them and it just became what I was to do..get in the middle of their fights and soothe them. Dad was bad had to soothe mom. Mom was bad had to soothe dad. It taught me to take care of everyone else but me. I would want to leave the house during their fights and I was not allowed to. I helped my parents yesterday because I really felt I could. I felt sorry for them. I felt that they maybe were more willing. My dad said how much do we owe you for the free therapy and I said well for all of the free therapy I have given you both over the years you should be able to buy me a house. I helped my parents. I gave them a gift of my perception and experience and my love. I did this for them and told them they had to work on it. But no more. I am going to tell them I do not want to be in that role again. They need marriage counseling not their daughter's counseling. No more. I want them to listen to one another and communicate with each other without me. I am off duty finally.

I realized after they left... they are kids... they are kids that needed help a long time ago and it was not my job. I love them. I really think I do. But that isnt what a daughter's role is or should ever have been. It is not my fault that they are the way they are.
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