March 28th, 2005


journey to non passivity an ongoing quest and the release of anger

I felt a different feeling yesterday when I felt a guy was blowing me off... anger.

Anger is something that I often deny to myself I am feeling. It is a scary emotion. Scary because I grew up with so much of it around me. I wanted so badly not to be like the people who were raising me then (my parents). I yelled back, back then. I screamed back. But I would drown out their screams with thunderstorms I would create in my ears by contracting the muscles. A quite effective way of muffling them out. Somehow tho... I learned not to let out anger in time. I vaguely remember a therapist doing anger management with me. Anger mananagement like I had a problem when I was copying my parents. Somewhere along the line I learned to internalize anger and blame myself for everyone's anger. To take blame for everyone's actions towards me. If someone was upset well it was my fault. If they had a bad day it was my fault. I was raised to feel that way. Mom was quite unpredictable back then and I never knew if I was going to get the sweet loving Mom or the Mommie Dearest (like that movie) mom. I learned to walk eggshells and learn how to talk to her so I would not offset her misplaced anger at me. I learned how to do this and still do this with everyone. Tiptoe through the tulips of people's negative emotions so I will not be shot down in the mindfield. The effect of this tho through the years is I have become quite passive and afraid to let people know my needs :aka doormat.

Doormat in that I would take shit and come back for more. I had a friend for six years who I was terrified to let know I was mad with how she would cancel all the time on me because when I did once tell her in a very light way how I felt she wouldn't talk to me for a week. My boyfriends mpstly have been self absorbed scardey cats who could not show me much concern .,,,sporadic because they were too busy protecting themselves from getting hurt they would try not to feel anything for me. The attention I did get from them would be like the richest dessert because it was sparse. I learned again to not rock the boat too often by saying I am feeling neglected.. nope I would just suffer and I guess feel that this was the best I could get. I would feel so neglected so unimporrant and would figure out what I could do to change that ,,,what could I do to make them show they cared more. How could I fix them so they could let themselves like me more?

Before Effexor which for some reason has helped with my triggers... I would be overcome with feelings of being real young and scared and pissed when I felt someone was neglecting me. I would get very irrational in the moment and feel like someone should be able to tell how I am feeling without me saying something. If they really cared about me they would be as empathic and perceptive as I and could tell how I was feeling by just looking at my face. I would cry and want to run from them and often would. My mom expected the same from others and it has taken so much work to not expect this from people anymore. I am no longer as passive but it is still scary and it is a struggle. I have learned a couple of things in my journey not to be so passive:

1. I should not have any friends I feel afraid to tell how I feel be they negative or positive emotions. If I am friends with them now and can not tell them how their actions affect me then they are not someone I feel safe with, Not just anyone can be my friend. Not jsut anyone deserves to be my friend. I treat people really really well and need to be with people I feel will treat me good too,

2.Cutting off guys (ok I am a lil personal ad monger) who do not follow through consistently,,,who detach from me,,,who can not be affectionate with me when we are in a relationship. Who do not seem to show enough interest in me. Who bring out feelings in me of extreme insecurity. Not just anyone deserves to get to be physical with me. I have a new thing where if I have been chatting with a guy and I start to feel like he doesnt care if he talks to me or not or that I feel taken for granted like I am always aiming them I will then delete them from my buddy list. It will then be up to them to aim me and if I never hear from them then it means they are someone who does not really care if they talk to me or not. I do not think it is a good sign if someone never aims me and it is always me. WHo knows I may have lost some potentials this way but I doubt it.

3.Trying to think of my needs more and if they are being met. This is really hard but I am working on it.

This guy I was chatting with had disappeared from online for a year. Then he suddenly appeared we had a amazing chat two nights in a row. Then after a few days of him not being online due to his working nights: he appears again grounded and sort of detached. He has decided he just wants to be friends with me because I live too far. He can talk to me occassionally and it is fun to talk to me but ,,,, the minute he decided that it is like his emotions shut down and when he talks to me there is no more flirting there is no more real interest in me...its like he shut down and when a guy does that it hurts me and I wonder what I did wrong and I try to make them like me again. Tho I think this guy has issues and he got scared of his excitement towards me and mine towards him cause he did like a total 180 with how he acts with me. Lately when he sees me online he doesnt stay on like he did for those three hour chats we had those two nights in a row. He will say he has to eat or watch tv or something and well last night he brought about feelings in me of anger

anger not what did I do wrong
anger which I think is progress

I felt like why do I need to chat with someo0ne who cam detach so fast from me? I was with a guy for many many years who did that to me for three years. Why waste my time and energy on this guy? It is dragging me down emotionally. Fuck him. Yes that is how I felt fuck him. It did not feel irrational or triggered it felt like the doormat was coming off the ground so he could not walk on her back. I deleted him. I get this feeling he will not aim me. I get this feeling he felt I was too into him or something when I was just being playful by saying and here I thought you felt your week didnt begin 'till you spoke to me... he didnt answer back playfully I was met with a cold see ya around. Well fuck him. Fuck is such a powerful word. I do not use it often but when I do it is like a medication. Anger still scares me. My neighbors downstairs scream at each other a lot especially the gal [art of the couple and it makes me upset sometimes...tho less than it used to. I dont wanna be like that girl... I dont wanna be like my mother. I dont need to yell at this guy and tell him where to go ... I need to not waste my time with him. If he really has any interest in chatting with me again he will have to click my name on his list and make the effort and if he doesnt then he loses the chance to talk to me and that is all there is to it. I know I will feel compulsion and feel like I need to make effort for him to but really no,,,it isnt right what is right is that he show me he does want to chat with me. I aint going to him anymore. He lost that privlidge for now.

Soon I will forget him..funny how deleting someone from your buddy list eventually wipes them from your mind....

Fighting the compulsion that other people's emptions are your responsiblity and fighting the impulse to have everyone like me and love my actions is damned hard but I am trying,,, I am trying
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