March 11th, 2005


abandonment issues

I wonder sometimes what else happened in my childhood that I have forgotten... I have abandonment issues. If I do not hear from friends in a bit or get to see them I fear that they have forgotten about me. I have a very young feels like the five year old in me isnt getting what she wants and I feel sad and pouty. I had a really long relationship with a guy from roughly age 17-25 and during that time, I never knew each semester if he was coming back to school or not. Sometimes he would not call me back or write me back during breaks. For three years he barely talked to me. I think my relationship with him added to this feeling already. Now if I do not hear back from guys who I write to I think what did I do wrong? Why didn't they like me? If I had a nice chat with a guy and then he suddenlu disappears I wonder again what did I do? Did I scare them off? I have gotten much better over the last couple of years (effexor has helped control my obsessive swirling circulating head)but still I get this nagging voice in my head saying I chased them away. Instead of being able to say fuck them if they do not want to be with me or it is their lost or whatever cliches I am supposed to be able to think. It is hard not to blame yourself when you grew up blamed from everything from your parents fighting to your mom's unhappiness. I used to be terrified to tell a friend I was upset with them. I was a very passive person who went along with everything out fo fear of being yelled at or worse yet... left. I think having a moody mom who could be happy one moment sad another and terrfiying and angry another and a dad who was inconsistent with his attention and emotional ability combined into me feeling like I am responsible for people disappearing. I wish I could stop this kind of thinking. It is very young thinking a child feeling responsible for her paren't divorce. I want to be able to stop thinking the world revolves around me and people spend their days thinking of how to avoid me. Years of being brutally teased and harrassed in school didn't help either I am sure.

But I would so love to be free from this feeling that I am somehow something to be avoided to ignore. I do not fully think it is true but there is this complicated system of defenses at work trying to protect me from being hurt by asuming that people have left before they have and it is mean and it is cruel of me to myself. Sometimes people get busy. Sometimes people get depressed...sometimes there are so many reasons in the universe for why maybe they disappear for awhile and come back.... I know this and over the years I know it more and more but still I struggle with this. It makes me clingy at times and feeling so insecure....
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