February 22nd, 2005

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I am a conundrum... I was always a very mature child in many ways. My best friend and I began playing around with sex from a young age, I found myself hanging around with adults more than people my own age because they felt more like my intellectual and emotional equals, I read books from the adult section of the library, and I was an atheist for a long time.
But I was also rather childlike in other ways, ways that I have retained to different degrees. As a child I was bullied almost from the first time I met other kids, or used and betrayed by them. I got along with adults more because most of them treated me well. Since I never got along with my peers, though, I ended up withdrawing into worlds of my own making. In those worlds I was a hero, I could do anything, and people my age and younger liked me and loved me for these things.

It was, of course, all and illusion. I've been struggling to find my way out of this inner world. It hasn't been easy, and I still prefer to withdraw. I've found lots of friends my age and older online, and that's helped. I am still trapped by some of the restrictive aspects of my childhood, including my laziness and my slow speed, as well as the above mentioned withdrawl from reality. Though I have also been blessed with some of the positive aspects of childhood... including a wonder at the universe, massive amounts of creativity, a love of art, and a refusal to let everyone else tell me what to believe.

I am a Pagan now, and my three main Deities - Shao'Kehn (Goddess of Chaos), Her consort Ahndahn (Goddess of Order), and Nahtahdjaiz (Child Goddess of Children) - have been helping me with my problems. All three of these I call Goddesses even though they are hermaphrodites... and I am male but I have always felt like a hermaphrodite myself.

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Oh, by the way, I found this forum while looking for forums concerning art. :-)

Looking forward to being here.

EDIT: How serious is this place? I mean, is it okay to explore one's inner child (positive aspects of one's adult child) in here? I wouldn't want to do anything outside of the spirit of the place.

Bright Blessings;
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