?

Log in

No account? Create an account
 
 
Lisolette
09 February 2005 @ 01:59 pm
I had a talk this morning about some of what happened to me when i was younger. I felt like postin it. I am very impressed with how receptive and supportive my mom was....

Lazea [8:14 A.M.]: Bt way will ytou do me a favor?
****** [8:15 A.M.]: of course
******** will you tell him that you told me that he had appologized to both you and aunt vicky about how he treated me when I was younger and that I forgive him?
Lazea [8:16 A.M.]: For him to tell you two he must have some guilt aboyt it
Lazea [8:16 A.M.]: I think it would be a good step for me to do that.
****** [8:16 A.M.]: sure...no problem...
****** [8:16 A.M.]: he's married & a daddy now.. I think he's finally grown up
Lazea [8:17 A.M.]: He has,,,, I feel frozen in the past still
Lazea [8:17 A.M.]: Like the movies of that time play in my head still
Lazea [8:17 A.M.]: It was scary back then mom
Lazea [8:17 A.M.]: That bus stop was scary
Lazea [8:17 A.M.]: Did I tell you that when I was younger?
Lazea [8:17 A.M.]: Or did I keep it in?
****** [8:18 A.M.]: no..you never really told me. you told me some things, but not that
Lazea [8:18 A.M.]: He and his friends used to throw vberries at me ice balls at me
Lazea [8:18 A.M.]: and he and his friends put dog crap in my bag
****** [8:19 A.M.]: I know. he told me. he really feels bad about that
Lazea [8:19 A.M.]: So what I rememver did happen
****** [8:19 A.M.]: yes
Lazea [8:19 A.M.]: Thats good to know
Lazea [8:19 A.M.]: I only remember fragments
Lazea [8:19 A.M.]: Its like time passed but I stayed the same
Lazea [8:19 A.M.]: Its really frustrating
****** [8:21 A.M.]: I think you're finally moving on & away from all of it. You've come a long way. the thing that will help you the most, is to one of these days, come down to visit us. I'll take you around & you'll exorcise all or most of your ghosts
Lazea [8:21 A.M.]: yes i reallu should
Lazea [8:21 A.M.]: you wont leave me?
Lazea [8:21 A.M.]: im so scared
****** [8:22 A.M.]: I don't understand. leave you.??
Lazea [8:22 A.M.]: i mean stay with me while im there if i go alone
****** [8:23 A.M.]: read what I wrote, I said I would take you around... meaning I would drive you around plainview etc
Lazea [8:23 A.M.]: ok
Lazea [8:23 A.M.]: i have no friends there anymore
Lazea [8:23 A.M.]: makes it worse
Lazea [8:24 A.M.]: its not like it was before you know? so if ytou and dad are off doing your usual things...
****** [8:24 A.M.]: there's no rush...one of the things that has helped me with my feelings of the past is meeting & being accepted by rita, shirley & sandy. making new friends. That's what you've done.
Lazea [8:25 A.M.]: yes
****** [8:25 A.M.]: you are respected & loved by your friends
Lazea [8:25 A.M.]: yes
Lazea [8:26 A.M.]: part of me will never forgive david but there is another part that is so glad he appolizgied it means more to me than he would ever know
****** [8:28 A.M.]: remember he was a kid & unfortunately kids do things like that. the good part is that he didn't carry it into adult hood like other people do. he isn't an evil person. sometimes, people do things because they are part of a group & want to feel in...or they are insecure & feel powerful if there is someone less secure than they are.it isn't right, but unfortunately it happens
Lazea [8:28 A.M.]: well i wouldnt let him in to get his sister
Lazea [8:28 A.M.]: and he was young
Lazea [8:28 A.M.]: and he was pissed
Lazea [8:28 A.M.]: cause i was obnoxious
****** [8:29 A.M.]: so..he reacted in his way...
Lazea [8:29 A.M.]: yes turned his friends against me
Lazea [8:29 A.M.]: maybe it would be really good if somehow i could face him now
Lazea [8:30 A.M.]: but thats scary
Lazea [8:30 A.M.]: id need tons of valium ;)
****** Arldon1961 [8:30 A.M.]: when the time comes & you visit I can give him a call....it's up to you
Lazea [8:30 A.M.]: ok
Lazea [8:30 A.M.]: does he know anything about me?
****** [8:31 A.M.]: I may have told him, not sure. I don't see him that often...I have to send him an email to get him to come here. he's supposed to bring dad's computer back to life & install ram in mine

Lazea [8:32 A.M.]: ok im trying to heal mom
Lazea [8:32 A.M.]: trying so hard and its so hard
****** [8:32 A.M.]: every day is another goal accomplished
Lazea [8:33 A.M.]: i feel all these people who hurt me were able to move on get married succeed and im still stuck no matter how much i try
****** [8:33 A.M.]: only you can put out the fire....you don't know what they are all going through & if the've moved on.....
Lazea [8:33 A.M.]: im tryiong to put put the fire
Lazea [8:33 A.M.]: ive worked so hard
Lazea [8:34 A.M.]: i got away from john which was so hard
Lazea [8:34 A.M.]: and all these other guys
Lazea [8:34 A.M.]: and went to grad school and ,oved
Lazea [8:34 A.M.]: moved
****** [8:34 A.M.]: it't like going on a diet, it's a lot of work
Lazea [8:34 A.M.]: yes
Lazea [8:35 A.M.]: ive been working on it forver
****** [8:36 A.M.]: I think it's time you threw out the baggage you've been hauling around & start using a new suitcase.
Lazea [8:36 A.M.]: im trying mom
Lazea [8:36 A.M.]: so hard
Lazea [8:36 A.M.]: every day is a struggle
Lazea [8:36 A.M.]: the voices haunt me sometimes
****** [8:36 A.M.]: but...every day is a new begining.

Lazea [8:36 A.M.]: yes
****** [8:38 A.M.]: maybe you should write down what your ghosts are...& then one by one eliminate them...like i said it's like going on a diet. for example. you want to lose 20 lbs it sounds overwhelming.. the thing to do is to think small...set your goal for 5lbs & then go on as you progress

Lazea [8:39 A.M.]: well prolly seeing david would be a big step tho he wasnt the guy i think who called me ugly i cant remember there were so many of them
Lazea [8:39 A.M.]: he could have been
Lazea [8:39 A.M.]: im thinking of coming in april maybe if valerie doesnt come i may need help paying for a ticket
Lazea [8:39 A.M.]: we have a four day weekend
****** [8:40 A.M.]: when is that
Lazea [8:40 A.M.]: i forget ill let you know may be patriots day or presidents day or somethin
****** [8:40 A.M.]: preisdents day is this month
gLazea [8:40 A.M.]: 20 siomethng i think
Lazea [8:40 A.M.]: maybe patriots day then
****** [8:40 A.M.]: in april
Lazea [8:41 A.M.]: ill check i cant remember
****** [8:41 A.M.]: let me look into amtrak
****** [8:41 A.M.]: i'll see what we can do
Lazea [8:41 A.M.]: if i could get into nyc then dad could get me maybe
Lazea [8:41 A.M.]: oh i haveto check when my exam is
Lazea [8:41 A.M.]: i just remembered
Lazea [8:42 A.M.]: if my exam is before that then it wont interfere
****** [8:42 A.M.]: if you can get to nyc...you'll be able to get on the long island railroad yourself since it's in the same building...we will meet you at the hicksville station..
****** [8:42 A.M.]: you can do it...
Lazea [8:42 A.M.]: ill find out dates
Lazea [8:43 A.M.]: i love you and your wonderful
****** [8:43 A.M.]: k

Lazea [8:43 A.M.]: i so appreciate your support and snesitivety to this
****** [8:43 A.M.]: thank you...