December 7th, 2004

uncreative subject heading

My dad got really sick all of a sudden... nearly died. But he didn't. For the brief time that he was in the hospital I felt like I was 5 but not in the ways of resentment... it was more like wanting to cuddle up with him and give him a stuffed animal to comfort him. Everything I had ever despised about him disappeared because at the time it didn't matter anymore. Now that he's out of the hospital the resentment is returning... I'm not quite sure how to work with it. I can't talk to him about it because he's not yet physically competent enough to comprehend my words.

So here I am, trying not to hold back having to say something to someone because if I don't get it out I'll hold it in and detatch again. I am trying really hard to feel things out and avoid detatchment. It's difficult and scarey but it's necessary to do it at some point if I want to progress. Having to think about the past and to acknowledge it and accept it is torturous... I know I'll feel better afterwards. I keep noticing the effects neglect left on me back in the day... abandonment issues... I feel alone. I feel like no one's there for me. I feel like everyone who says they will be there for me will up and leave... like he did... like so many did. But I know that's not true. I have a few people who actually DO follow through when they say "I am here for you". I'm still trying to wrap that concept around my skull.
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    contemplative contemplative


Do you still sleep with a stuffed animal? When I feel scared or vulnerable I hide under my blankets with my cat and my stuffed animal rabbit. I used to be embarassed by this but then I learned (over time) to embrace the child-like things that bring me comfort. It's fun to play with toys and mad-libs and watch cartoons and color with crayons and all that stuff. Just cause I'm a legal adult doesn't mean all of the other things should go away. I feel empowered when I can do these things and be okay with it.

What are some other fun things to do that I haven't thought of yet?
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    curious curious