November 27th, 2004


Vicarious Mom-xiety

My parents came yesterday. The arrival of my mother was met with me stepping out of my apartment to find her examining my tires. I must note here that my mother worked for Geico Car Insurance for 14 or so years as a claims examiner I think. This combined with her usual state of anxiety and fear of not having control has done a number on her with anything that has to do with the car. So she is looking at my tires and I wonder if I have a flat maybe. The first word out of her mouth is about my tire. Not hi not hugs but actually is angry at me for driving around with a tire with no tread as she put it. Now my mother does not say "Michelle, I think it may be a good idea for you to get a new tire." No she says with her eyes almost brimming with tears "Michelle you must get a new tire. Especially with winter coming." I ask her if she is mad at me and she says yes for driving with that tire. I tell her I didnt know that I had to look at my treads. I have my car always looked at when I get an oil change and no one told me that. I tell her when I can afford it I will get it changed. I tell her I will get my bonus January first and she is like you can't wait that long you have to do this. It was like my life was in jeopardy and she could see some mighty accident waiting to happen. The urgency and fear and anxiety she was throwing at me almost knocked me down. My stomach sure didnt like it. She's like the tire can be your Chanukah present. I say no. Ill take care of it when I can. She says well give you the money for the tire. Now all of this is with that urgency and fear and tight face she gets. I just wanted her to stop. Stop Mom just stop! I didnt say that but I wanted to. How dare you come here and throw this at me. I am not a kid. I appreciate your concern but your delivery sucks. No I just said ok ok Ill get it taken care of. Argh!

She scares me when she is like that. She is so afraid of not having control. About three or four times she kinda threw that vibe at my Dad. Even when he was talking to me she would interrupt and defend me or tell my father he shouldnt say that or something. My dad told her let me handle myself which I appreciated. My dad is so much calmer than my mother now. I have to give him credit he didnt yell at her. He tried his best to calm her down. I really like my mom but her level of anxiety and need for control scares the shit out of me. It makes me feel helpless like a child again. Back in the day that need for control and urgency in her voice was met with physical abuse and mean mean mean comments. So I guess I have that in my mind too unconsciously. She tries to do so much for me. We went shopping her and I and I got some things I picked out for Chanukah. It was nice shopping with her. I wish wish wish shed take a anti-anxiety drug. It would help her so much as it has helped me. I hope hope hope I am not like her with regards to my anxiety. I hope I am not manipulative and a control freak. I have gone out of my way not to be like her in these and some other respects that I have gone in the other direction and have become passive and try not to rock the boat and such. It is only in the last few friends with friends I really trust that I have been able to tell them my needs and my fears.

My father has gotten mellow. Combo of pills and therapy. I think our relationship is getting healthy finally. My mom and me our's is too when she doesnt fall off the deep end into the huge ass pool of anxiety.

Is it any wonder I have all this damn anxiety? Some is from genetics, some is from years and years of abuse and some is from observing her and him.

I feel like all parents who have awful awful depression and or anxxiety should have to go for counseling and take meds if needed. I think that would cut down on some of the child abuse in the world.
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