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Lisolette
An important self revelation about my past child abuse.

I counsel adults and kids and teens. I am a mental health counselor and I have had kids report abuse to me. I hate filing because I am scared the child will be mad at me and the parents. That I realize is a pretty interesting fact..it is like I am a child reporting on another child's abuse by their parent. I recently filed for child abuse on a teen's mom. Well turns out the teen told the DSS worker when she came and questioned her that she made it all up and she was laughing as she said it. I know cause I talked to the worker. She may have been telling the truth when she told me about the abuse. She may not have been. But for some reason I have been triggered by this. I havent been triggered by any of the other cases of child abuse I had to file on (which I have done maybe six times)except maybe that I cried when they told me. I at first was angry that she should say she made it up when I go through such agony to file. I realize tho that this teen is very troubled and the fact she went to that extent means she needs and is asking for some help which I and the worker who is already involved with the family are going to give her.

I wondered why I was triggered. I and the worker and this teen met and came up with some kind of game plan. But that night I dreampt the worker was saying I was too hard on the teen and that I was behaving childish and in the dream I did indeed feel like an insecure vindictive child.....

I started doing some thinking and came up with a really important revelation and last night in talking to a friend I expanded on it....

Why am I so open about what happened to me (the bits I remember)? Why did I start this community? Why am I so into the whole adult child concept? Why did I do art and poetry (so much) about being abused? Why did I want people to see it? Why do I have little boundaries about telling people things (tho lately I have been so much more discriminating)? Why am I so damned open? This is what I came up with:

I never told anyone what was happening to me until I think I was in college. I had therapist since I was 14 but I do not think I told any of them. I didnt tell any friends. I didnt tell my aunt who was one of my havens from my mom some summers. I didnt tell any teachers. I didnt tell a guidance counselor. I didnt tell anyone. I dont think I told my sister cause to this day she says she didnt realize I endurerd as much as her. It was like our own private hell. It was my reality. I never told anyone... I didnt tell my father because he was neglectful and I guess all I wanted was his love and maybe I didnt think he would do anything. He....jeez I am tearing up... would tell me when I wanted to leave the house during one of my mom's tirades at him not to leave because it would upset my mother. This taught me I guess I had to live with abuse and stay in unhappy situations.,,, Read more...Collapse )
 
 
Current Mood: wierd
Current Music: hold on-sarah mclachlan
 
 
Lisolette
I looked at the layout of this page and I found it kind of depressing. The colors... that image of myself as a child ..just real dark looking,,, so I have now taken advantange of the options now available for a un-paid account they added since I first started this community. I hope you all like it. I also saw that some people in the past posted in this community totally non related posts and self serving promotion. That is not acceptable. I want this community to feel safe and the people in it to care about it and respect the feelings of people in it and respect the integrity of this community. Now posts will be moderated by me...if they are relevant they will be posted. Also only members can post. Also anyone who is abusive,insensitive or posts such tripe as that post from June 29th, 2004
"anoxxia @ 10:02 pm: think you're great? join we__own__you. it's better than you are". will be banned from posting. I hope that helps some.... *hugs* What do you all think? Please give me some feedback those of you who are still reading about these changes. I would love to hear from you.
 
 
Current Music: it wont rain all the time-jane sibbery
 
 
 
07 November 2004 @ 10:09 pm
i wanna post more. i really do. there is just to much stuff going on right now. if anyone wants to talk though... feel free to add me to msn messenger. doodley_02@hotmail.com.
 
 
Current Mood: enragedenraged