January 28th, 2003


now is forever?

I have realized that I cant see beyond today. I always seem to believe now is forever. I cant see anyway different. I feel I will always be sick, always work at the same job and never find a soulmate. I was thinking of why I do this and I think it has to do with trauma. I had to live moment to moment. I didnt know, growing up if I would get hit or yelled at or picked on.. I never knew what would happen next. I lived hypervigilently and couldnt see any ray of light coming to make anything better. Its like I programmed myself to not believe anything good could happen..that there could be positive changes. If I were to believe this I could get horribly let down. So now I have to try hard..this is the latest thing.. to say now isnt forever. I do not know what will cross my path.. so much can change... this is so hard for me but Im trying...