October 21st, 2002


(no subject)

I havent been sleeping good at all. I have been waking up early and staying awake...I dont even remember going to sleep... I feel this hint of depression hanging over my head. This sense that things are not going to change in my life in the way that I need them to..that I am going to feel lost and not getting ahead anymore than I have. Its a feeling like I had this past Sunday where my aol mailbox only contained junk mail.... I feel stuck and I feel life just flipping by like one of those boooks where you can make the lil cartoon move. I am scared of change and scared most of all to believe in myself and to trust that I am good at things... its like I have this chip in my head that was implanted at birth and it is hard so very hard to believe I can be anything great that everyone will see I am not that my life is destined to not have what I want. That I will be going on a ramp to this same wall and banging into it when I get to the end when I realize there is things missing/ When I have time alone..more than a few hours ... I think of the aloneness I think of the worry
I think of how old i am I think of there is no way I will find a significant others that I am messed up that I am trying hard to make the best of what I can do what I do have but I want more..when I am not around people friends I should say I get time to think and thats not always good..idle time ,,,sitting in front of a monitor afraid of life,,,so lil lil girl
scared so scared..
Yes I survived my past but it took such a chunk out of me that I am full of holes
and tears
and so lil confidence
and so much dread
and that stamp that I will never be good enough
still seems to be on my head

and people frustrate me
guys are hard hard to read frustrating
make me feel mutant
like my universe is too out there for them
and its way too easy for
people disappoint
a lil girl
who seems to be way too easy to disappoint
cause she is needing
and needing
and needing
what she cant give herself
from others
and she is lonely
way tooo much
and she is helpless
way too much

and im sick of syaing see me
hold me
come find me
an endless cycyle of
and hopes
and this chiilliness
agaisnt the cold
of my fears
and I wonder can I change my life
and feel like it is being lived more
can i get to the point where I dont need people
as much as I seem to
and where being alone for a day wont drive
me into a depressive mental hole
where I can feel in control

that lil girl still hasnt gotten what she needs
to grow enough inside
and she is more outfront
she is saying hold me
and im trying but she is taking over

why is it so hard for me to believe i am good at what i do
that I am worthy enough
that someone could love me

i fell like my talent is going to waste
and i am wasting away
in some ways
and aging
and beauty fades
and i fade
and am lost
inside my self
and sickness
sick all the time
and tears
more seem to be cried

and im tired of waiting
and waiting
and sitting patiently waiting
for that
that thing that will make me feel a lil more whole
and waiting
waiting to feel secure
a bigger quest
am I worse than i have been
or jsut more aware of the pain
or is it I am sick of this battle iwth myself
or am i sick of myself
or am i just tired
and wanna play

and stop life quick enough so i can catch up
and not take so lonng to grow enough
to say i am good
i am gonna make it
that its gonna be ok
that i wont be alone
that people will want my art
that i will like me more
that this pain
will go away
mental pain
physical pain

do you have any idea how exhausting it is to be me
i am tired


I start with a new therapist Wednesday. I found her through the old Tuffs directory. I looked her up on the net and she does EMDR. That is supposed to help release traumatic memories so they can be processed right and be less painful and more in the past. We talked on the phone briefly today and I was so pleased to find out she knows the therapist I had that I really liked. In fact they trained together or worked together or something. She is gonna get info from my old therapist when I sign a release. This feels kinda good. I need a therapist.. I cant do this myself anymore..this trying to get over everything.... I am sad inside and scared and I dont wanna be anymore......
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