July 12th, 2002


no longer defending my intent for this community-a blabby post

I have realized that for some reason..well I know why, I have found myself over explaining the purpose of this community and well basically feeling like there have been people who want to underplay the impact trauma has had on the whole feeling like an adult thing. It is like they want this community to be all light and sugar plums and stuff and purple crayolas (have to be purple of course)but see its a multicolored coloring book. The outline may be because of an abusive childhood but how it is filled varies with healing. My coloring book was colored with lots of brown and black and red ,,red as all of the emotional scars. When I found support tho..good support I could see the scars starting to slowly start to heal (they have not yet)and under the blackish color I could see some bright smiles peeking through. I could see my spirit and it was beautiful when it was not being drenched with the pain the fear all that I still carry from years of such unacceptence and lack of unconditional love from my fmaily. I wanted I guess a childhood..lightness and happiness and cotton candy rompling through green grass and sprinklers .. I did have moments like that in childhood

Playing cops and robbers
Singing in my basement and making up songs (I still do make up songs) and doing impressions and skits,,yes I did do this when I was trying to drown out my parents mean mean yelling at one another but I am thankful for my musical ability... I love that I can sing really well.. I love that I can so many voices and well that I can be ultra silly and unique in those moments were I feel safe and loved
Throwing carmels at the screen when I saw the Rescuers when with a friend
Campfires and marshmellow roasts and glowing red sticks (sticks with the tip heated)
Hours playing with my dollls.... Barbie boy did I torture the hell out of her,,, now my dolls sit on my shelves,,,my Fareie Barbies are so lovely
Those hugs from my mom when she wanst abusive,,going to NY city with him and my sister and going to the museum of broadcasting in NY city and watching old commercials with him and her... that museum rocks,,and going to Desanko for Chinese food...yakisoba
Going into his projection booth when he was a projectionist and watching mvoies from that lil window everyone wonders about
Granma and grandpas ethnic food even tho we werent Greek.,,,I do love Greek food

I think trying to find solitude from kids teasing me and my parents screaming at one another and from my mothers mean mean verging on psychotic moods and mental and physical abuse and my dads severe at times neglect of me gave me this awesome imagination and well a quite unique personality

so if it wasnt for the trauma

I wonder if I would just be another suit... just someone existing..,not as passionate as I am

not as loving and empathic as I am

I think it all did have a lot to do with who I am

There is a tape of me doing impressions at like six or eight years old somewhere.......

I do a mean Barney.... tho Ill spare people

I am a good person who is there for people

I am a therapist who lives to help people by connecting to them and using insight to help them as individuals

I am silly and affectionate

and so many things

my inner kid and me are becomming quite a team

Anyways.. thsi community is for anyone..anyone can join anyone can post about whatever they wish as long as it is connected somehow with childhood or the struggle to feel like an adult.. it can be about toys trends ect from childhood or mayhaps that you have now that feel child-like. I indulge in many such things..

I am tired and rambling cause I dont sleep enough but I felt the need to just explode on here as I do on my own individual lj.

My inner kid said Michelle dont feel pressured to make this community one where people just talk about the wonder of being a child like adult. It is a struggle and it is often painful and that needs to be explored to get empowered but the benefits and wonder should be explored too for it is a good thing too and it makes us unique and special....

ok now the adult in me is saying get thee into a shower

I hope people will reach out and say hi more often ... I have all these hugs waiting for you
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