March 18th, 2002


for the record

I cant just get over it
I cant just wish it away
I cant not feel at this time
I cant forget all that happened
I cant just stop
I cant stop at this time my reactions

It will take time and learning how to unlearn 33 years of maladaptive coping and it will take time to not believe some twenty yeard of negative statements I learned to say

I have worked on fighting my ghosts practically since I was a young teen


But I cant just say oh it doesnt bother me
and I cant just feel like a grownup

Its not that simple
its not that easy

I am a web of confusion and inner torment
reliving old feelings of extreme pain, lonliness and isolation
when noone showed they loved me
or wanted me around
and I felt being me
was the worse thing to be

I dont feel that way now but sometimes I get that old familiar feeling

I am told often lately how wonderful I am
and sometimes I do believe it
but at the first sign I let someone down
that I wasnt perfect
that I was human
I relive the torment of back then
I refeel the I am bad feeling

I want to stop
which is why I am in counseling
I want to find me and stick with being me
and being strong in me
no matter what

It is a process
and I am willing to work through it all

I may have grown up physically
but emotionaly something got stuck along the way
and I can be five
I can be thirteen
at the snap of a finger
at the glare from someone I perceive is there

It seems so hard for people to understand
I cant always control this

I cant

untul I learn another way
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