February 14th, 2002

tara mcpherson
  • radrose

New member

I just found this community and just wanted to say that I think it's a great idea. I've always been very childlike but I thought that it was just my personality instead of a consequence of the way that I grew up, but I guess that probably has a lot to do with it. I had a pretty traumatic childhood. I grew up in a big family where there was no individual attention. My parents are very straight-laced christians, and they bought into the idea that children have to be trained, forced to be "good". There was a lot of abuse, physical and emotional. We were very poor and lived in the country, so we were never able to do the fun things that are a normal part of growing up. Life was nothing but a struggle to survive one day to the next. It's not that my parents are bad people...I think they honestly don't know the damage that they've done. It's the cycle of the abuser being abused himself as a child that we got stuck in, and they just honestly didn't know .

I've lived on my own for six years now, and I've come a very long way. I've finally gotten my depression under control, and I've mostly learned how to stop being self-destructive. I still have nightmares three or four times a week, and maybe I always will, but I'm ok during my waking hours most of the time. I've completely given up on ever having a relationship with my parents and I've made my peace with that. I put all my cards on the table with them and they've still made no effort with me, so I accept the fact that there's nothing else that I can do.

I have a new baby daughter which has been one of the things that has helped me the most. I know that by giving her the joyful childhood that I never had I'll be able to erase some of my own pain. Sometimes I just look at her and cry because I know that she'll never have to feel the pain and the fear that I lived with my entire life. The happy memories that I make with her will hopefully replace my bad ones. It makes me happy to know that even if she has no one else, she'll always have me, which is something I never had with my own mother. We're going to grow up together. I've been given a gift that I hope never to take for granted.

There's so much that I need to say still, so much poison left inside, but I think this is good for now. I just want to let everybody know that there's hope. If you want to badly enough you can choose to begin to heal. I still have a lot of walls to break down, but for the first time in my life, I look foward to the future. After 25 years my life has finally begun, and I'm truly excited to be here.
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