December 5th, 2001

Mystical from ljuser over

.............I'm As Good As Dead...........

"So which face do you wash in the morning?"

The words leapt out and grabbed me by the throat. I have no idea what I've become. I know I am bitchy, angry, hateful, and in constant pain. But somehow, over the last month, I've become an enigma. Not a good one either. I've started to explode rather than implode. My pain is clouding my judgment. I am dying on the inside, and it is seeping out.

LJ is being fucked up. Slow, updating posts taking too fucking long. I removed a couple of entries, and when I got to click on the comments thing, it say's my entry is removed, but it is still showing up. What the fuck. Maybe LJ will get it's digital act together later.

I thought that this service would help me 'heal'. But it is making things worse. I get myself cornered, I turn into this ugly useless, unsocialized thing. I do thing I would not 'normally' do. I say things on the offensive, which I would not 'normally' do.

Got in the car and blasted some music, driving aimlessly, crying. I am on one hand two (maybe triple) faced, yet I have enough compassion not to talk to my best friend abt. my angst b/c I don't want to stress her out. She is 7 mo. pregnant. I don't want to upset her or the baby. Yet I have no integrity?
No, you do not want to be me. I don't want to be me either. I am angry that I have these two dogs that I love so much, and my husband and a handful of friends, who keep me 'living'. I want to die. I don't know if I have the strength to 'recover', I have no clue how.

Why should I live? What do I have? I am in debt out my ass. I have no kids, nor do I want any, I would be a terrible parent. I have no family, no grounding, no identity. I am a walking facade. Everything comes out all wrong. I try to fix things, yet get black balled all the time. And it is all me. It didn't used to be. I know the cause(s), but now, I am doing bad things.

To reiterate, yes, my birth parents should not have bred. How dare they give me life, and then ruin me with neglect, abuse, early sexualization, and beatings. How dare they throw me to the wolves of the social system and make me live in an already established family, to watch their kids get the love and attention I never did.
But I have to stop whining at some point, right? I am 36, too old to blame others, time to step up to the plate and admit that I myself do bad things because this is who I am. It's all my fault now.

Spam, yes this is. I am depressed. So this entry applies. I am lost and feel like a child inside, wanting to be held and comforted, whilst cowering in the corner crying. I take drugs to escape, to no avail, but it still applies. I am devastated. I don't know how I can continue on making entries. I have tried to make amends with a couple of 'groups', and one particular woman(you know who you are)...I am humbled. I can't do any more than that. I can't say anymore. This might be goodbye. I mean what more could I say, what other entries could I make? This may very well be my last entry. I may be leaving............perminantly.
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