November 17th, 2001

Mystical from ljuser over

I Wish I Could Act Out

I see how many communities there are on this service to help those express. I have found myself (and I guess as others) putting the main events in my main journal. I have wondered how to post in the various journals without repeating myself. The comments are worthy for it I guess. I don't know. I have also realized that most of the ljer's are much younger than I am. I am 36. I will tell you this, I hope that ALL of you recover and don't feel the same way as I do now.

I thought as time, and the years pass, that the pain, anger, resentments, the lonelyness, all of it would get easier. But I was wrong. My life is compartmentalized. The only happiness in my life is two of my friends, and my husband. But nothing else has changed.
The awful family dynamics are still there, haunting me, ever minute of every day. I am a 36 year old child. I have NO family. I don't belong anywhere. Actually, the man I married has by default made my "family" issues worse. I don't blame him. I cant help it if his family are tied to my "family". Full details are in my main journal. (again I hate repeating myself.)
I look in the mirror and see the face, body that I cannot change. A constant reminder of the two people who should not have been allowed to breed. I see my birthmother and the spermdoner in my reflection. I cannot escape them.
I think constantly about the foster family, the parental figures and there 3 children, whom I am no more close to than I am to any stranger on the street. They all look alike, they are the "perfect" family. I was thrown into their clan at the age of 15, too late to fit in. I lived my teen years watching as those children got the love, attention, education, all the proper parenting that I never got. And those kids, now grown, are "normal", and don't have a clue how to relate to me, no more than I do to them.
I wish I could cut. I wish I could throw a tantrum and actually wish I could do something to be in the hospital. But somehow, I keep it all in. I cry, but that never helps. I talk about it as much as I think about it. I have no outlet. I have no one. I have no family identity. I am nobody nowhere. I don't know if I should make this my last entry here or not, because I don't seem to meet the requiremnts. All I have is the abyss of pain, still, at this age, how pathetic. I am the poster child for emotional failure. Someone, help me.................

1 shed tear| feel like crying
  • Current Mood
    There is no word to describe..