November 13th, 2001


A Grand Intro...

Yes, I am a newbie to this community.
I was all out-of-sorts last night, and read several entries in here, then came up with the's a wonderful introduction, I'm sure. But eh! Whatever...isn't this what LJ is for???

too early to be up, too late to go out and calm myself

I don't know what is wrong with me.
I was doing so well for such a long spell then KABLAM! I am whirling about in the pool of dizziness/depression, and I am so very, very tired.

The black eyes are back...those pads beneath my lids that are trademarks of a sleepless night. :::grumbles:::

I was thinking how my face used to be absolutely flawless in high school. Not that anyone noticed the girl with the pretty face...they were always so busy paying attention to what was below the neck.

But I covered well...the art of concealing one's true identity via clothing schemes is a valuable one indeed, especially when you are anywhere between the ages of 12 and 17.

Growing up sucked ass. Lots. Not because my parents were mean,, just blind. Blind, under the influence of MS meds that weren't really anything but tranquilizers. Mom just slept, and Dad worked worked worked...all of us fell astray after the move to VA; Juli got arrested at 14, Billy and Tommy pretty much disappeared to me...Deb, well...she was the baby, and stayed put. Home was safe. At least it was for her.

I tried to be at home, and I got into trouble from 12 on, then did better yet in 9th grade; I was all A's, and I was popular, and dating a was a grand ball.

Then I fell in love, and all that high-school notoriety was lost.
But I was so enraptured by Chris.
The blackouts turned to white-clarity. My first love was beautifully tragic in his life, and I wanted so badly to take all his hurt from him.

He took so much of mine away from me.

And we would sit in our friend Rhonda's backyard, singing "Open Arms" to one another, holding each other warmly, warmly...sunshimmers through the leaves...he smelled of work and toil and mischief. I adored him absolutely.

But, Dad had to move, and Chris got into drugs that I couldn't venture towards - at least not yet - we drifted, and then came back towards one another - I moved to OH, and we wrote for a year.

And I came back to VA, to graduate. He was MIA, and I was so lonesome for my family...being emancipated was the hardest thing for me. And I left Deb alone in cruel OH.

OH ruined my family for a long time. Although, my older siblings would argue that VA did the same thing. I once screamed at my parents, on our first Christmas in Stow, that my holiday wish was for them to divorce...Jane's Addiction is the soundtrack to then.

And I sit here, wondering where I am going with all of this, where where where???

How can the body be so totally exhausted and the mind still wired like this? Whir whir whiring away...

I was walking out of the mall the other night, and I saw several newspaper pages dancing a waltz with some fall leaves in the wind. There was a woman there, watching; I watched her for a little bit, but I was not existent to her. Which was fine...but the dance, it made me contemplate how frail life is, how easily broken and tattered our bodies are, our hearts and our spirits...there are protective mechanisms, sure, but we cannot always prepare ourselves for the tragedies.

And I smelled the autumnal air
and a swirling memory of smells and emotions
Steel, black steel reflecting my fear behind his thumb
and the stench of fear in his sweaty palms
smells of sex and breaking
and I just wanted Maria to be safe from harm
and she ran when i needed her to stay
so much for friends forever
and friendship necklaces
they are broken when they get to you anyway, right?

Pink Floyd made me Comfortably Numb
with a little help from my friends
Ethan and Mary Jane
and all was the James River
and fish that didn't really exist
but he and I were fine
and the brush hid the pain of the real world

and when I was a little girl, I would sit in the back seat, my imaginary friend Kelly beside me. She and I wanted to escape so badly...and the imaginary men on motorcycles would pull up beside the car, my mother's stationwagon, and they would reach in and wisk us away to a safe, distant, beautiful land filled with bubbles and honeysuckles and willow many dreams. So many many dreams.

And I watched her drown in the Seventh Deadly Sea at Little Shawna's house

She had a HUGE pool...and Shawna asked me if I was going to save her...I watched the monster swallow her whole.

I didn't need her anymore.
And she didn't need me either.

My first lesson of abandonment I taught to myself.
Isn't life grand?


BTW...don't freak out on me, peeps. I am just contemplating the paths I have taken and the roads ahead of me.

My head is just so friggin' noisy tonight.
Lemme know if you see a little grey button on the floor somewhere...I lost that piece from the switchboard & can't seem to turn this damn thing off!


so that was me last night. I am feeling a little more gathered now, and wanted to introduce myself to you all. Again, not the most *cheery* way to do so, but it will have to do for now.
  • Current Music
    Something playing on the soft rock station at work