October 19th, 2001


The Origin and Explanation of the Not Hearing From Men Trigger

I wonder why...I wonder why if I hear from someone or not of the male persuasion,,its not important ..its just a guy..why waste time why waste energy...why someone has said to me a few in fact well let me try to explain it to you and to me those who may feel bad for what I put myself through....

My first was someone who I never knew if he would be back in school or not. We were in art school together (college) and every summer, christmas...break I wouldnt know if he would be back or not. He wasnt doing well in school do to being a perfectionist. So every break for two and a half years I would wonder. During those breaks he wouldnt let me see him. He was in seclusion prolly feeling sorry for himself.

I would call him...he may call me back he may not..he may write me back he may not have,,,with him the more I would put effort the more hed put in less. When I put in less suddenly he would put in some. I recall many times this feeling that I was calling him all the time just to talk to him. I missed him so much.

Eventually he did take a leave of absence from school. At first he called me all the time...all the time. But when I seemed like I didnt wanna talk to him once because I was rushing to hang with brand new friends...I mean I had to make friends..he was my world in school..he said you dont seem like you wanna talk to me enough. From that day on for three years I called him all of the time. He talked to me like i was a stranger...slightly detahced and cold.

It was like a stranger. I felt he wouldnt talk to me unless I called him. It was my responsibility i thought. I remembetr that feeling of that I was chasing him...chasing someone who I used to see all the time..feeling like oh will I be so lucky as to get him...oh can I really get him.Sending cards he never answred...bday cards...xmas... no anser. ..tilll one day when he wise up and realzied wow through it all I have always believed in him.

So he comes to see me for the first time in our relationship.. and of course sparks fly to the fucking universe. So we are back together and again it happens...I call him more. Then he starts not showing up on time...or not showing up at all...so many tears did I cry. Where is he where is he...what did I do wrong...why am I treated this way? I tried to do the right thing be the right thing say the righ thing....Through the whole relationship I learned I would be taken for granted for being accessible I would ne taken for granted for being too caring. I was addicted to him tho. It was torture feeling we wouldnt talk if I didnt do anything.

When I am trying to get to know a guy I feel like its up to me. I dont feel I can be in his mind if I dont do anything. If I dont hear from them right away I think I did something wrong..oh why didnt I say this or that why did I say this or that. I am trying to rework the past somehow. I want someone new so I can have a nice history.

See it isnt Rob..its the fact that it drives me crazy when someone says they will call and they dont. I expect it to happen and then wonder what I did wrong. I get triggered and have that old feeling of neglect. I feel like I am waiting and waiting for something trying hard to not have the past happen again...fighting this struggle to just let things happen..to wait and see..to see what happens.

Its like um the feeling you left the flame on the window open..a nagging compulsion...is the phone plugged in? Is it off the hook? Maybe I didnt give them the right phone number.... I try to find ways to fill the hours... it is worse at night and it gets magnified and I am so tired when I am done

I blame me bevause mom would always say what did you do you must ahve done something...... If I do this and that well then it will happen and I guess it is a challenge a game but it caused my heart to race and makes me oh so anxious.

Darren didnt help because he went from chatting with me every night to once a month..to every other to barely ever but when he would it be like he hadnt been away that long and got mad at me for mentioning how we never talk...it felt like i had to trap him..to get him to talk to me..trap meaning call him when he was home so he would talk to me. I wondered where he was..would he call..is he not calling becuase of something I said or did..oh why did I say that...why did I do that..me me blame me...

That is the root of the obsession that I did something wrong and am now going to be rejected and abandoned. So I wait and wait for if I hear that they arent mad then I dont have to fear rejection and the triggering of abadonment feelings. I just wnna know so I can let it go... just let me hear from them so I know I didnt screw up.

Its not so much I want it to happen its I wanna not have to worry about rejection...silly but true...whatever I can do to avoid that awful sickening feeling..

I am sure Rob will call as he said he will when I talked to him ever so briefly on yahoo...he was very busy and said he was sorry...there was mega confusion when I tried to reshedule ..I think the best thing is to just forget about him until he does call or I see him online...not in between the moments. I dont want to keep this pattern going of waiting for men to let me down actually if I wanna be honest..I keep hoping maybe this one wont.... I go throughtt the dance of well maybe this and maybe that and well I could they could...planning it all,,,,like its my own game and they are but a fantasy....I dont think they wanna meet me as mcuha s I wanna meet them. I am rather egocentric...not a high SE but am very self focussed.

I feel out of control when I wait to hear from someone:powerless....powerless,,,
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