October 8th, 2001


Talk With Dad

My Dad doesnt understand why I cant see all I am. You are this and this and this... It frustrates him that I cant believe all of this. I sometimes can which is more than the way I used to be. He said he is so proud of the beautiful person I am inside. He said he and my mom must have raised me well. I couldnt help but say well remember I had twenty something years of the damage I got from the two of you to overcome. I cant help but say those things when he thinks I can will myself easily to not have the reactions, defenses and reflexes I do. I have come so far and worked so hard on me and I am proud of that but its not enough for me it seems.

I know he is trying now to be the father he wasnt. He says he and my mother was too immature to be parents then..it was a really good thing to tell me. I needed to hear that.

I feel like I grow every day inside to stop growing would be to die.

He said dont TRY DO. Dont say I am trying say I can and I am..... if only it were so easy. I told him my trying means I do it sometimes and other times I dont.

I am being a little easier on me lately tho...

I am going where the smiles are more...and I think that is ok for me to do...

That book will get done as will that website when it is ready to..not before I guess. I am trying to find another job after all....

I am so scattered now I forget the things I need to do. I really have to start making lists....

I am glad my dad believes in me...I just wish he did when I was forming my identity
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