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Lisolette
I was talking with Sandy and we talked about how she had stayed in a negative very negative relationhip for a long time and she doesnt know why. I put it this way:

It is intoxicating when we get attention from someone who usually gives us none. Its a rush that keeps us hanging in there through all the crap. Its the between like Dave Matthews says that makes us want to hang in there for those moments where we get what we want. Affection and atttention. And who didnt we get affection from? Daddy. I know from my reading of Trauam and Recovery and my own noggin' this: Its like we are saying when Jo Shmooo is nice to use between neglect hey my Daddy is paying attention to me cool! Then its like oh Daddy will you pay attention to me? I better not question anything you do or you wont. Then there goes that high..that addiction ...you hang in there for a fix a fix of getting what you coudlnt back then.

Its like you unconsciously are trying to fix back then though now. If I can get Jo Schmoozaldammer to pay attention to me..to say nice words its like I am finally conquering that old demon. But guess what? We learn from the past we learn from the present but the only way to conquer the past is to leave abusive situations..not try to make them work.

That why we later say hey why did I stay in this so long? Because we didnt knwo better. We didnt understand why. Now we do. The more times we realzie why the more likely we will stop the trying to recreate and conquer the past.

We can never get what we didnt with out Dads back then or you men your Moms. Men do this too. We sometimes find people like our parents and its the negative parts. I think I wanna marry a man more like my mom actually. Not when she was Mommie Dearest..no not that Mom..The mom of now for I have two moms...the Mom of back then and the Mom of now.

I lost my point along the way through this ramble oh well. But

The point is that lil bit of high ,,the between rushes is not worth it. The trust that knowing someone will be there no matter what and doesnt play games with you and doesnt torture you for their "love" feels so much better so much.

I dont want the between...I want the trust the warmth,,,not the beartrap with the hugs inside

I dont need to make the past better...I need to make sure the present isnt bad.
 
 
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: gorillaz-clint eastwood
 
 
Captain of the Beagle
10 July 2001 @ 01:22 am
Today I posted in my journal the following.
1) that my dad is in critical care right now.. things are questionable on how long.
2) I wrote an open letter to those involved with an incident that caused me to lose a major friend,
hurt another close to me and suffer the ire of a number of internet folks who do not understand me.
I wanted to write something positive but had to tell some folks what i thought of them.

I have been told that I try to hard.. which is more than true..
I am looking for ways to slow down, to catch myself, so that I dont become ensnared once again.

Im open to ideas.
MrGuard