May 28th, 2001



I have just I thought I would offer a bit of info about myself.

I have suffered from depression most of my adolescent and adult life. I had a much older brother and sister(10 & 12 yrs older.) My sister was a b*tch growing up..although we are closer now. And my brother was my one true source of happiness...he was a perpetual child himself in those days. We would watch cartoons together, or hang out in the yard with our dogs. I would bug him..he would tickle me until i almost puked. Those were happy times. But he left and joined the navy when I was eight and from then on I remember depression haunted me. Nothing was ever the same in my life.

My brother had taken the brunt of alot of my father's irritations..things he did. My father was a kind of person who would say 'you missed a spot' instead of 'good job.' always looking for the cloud in the sliver lining. when my brother left, I became my father's source of irration as my brother and i just can't get along with my father. We were too much alike. We would question and argue. My brother had paved a road I had to finish, or so I felt anyway.

My parents fought because of my fathers drinking habits. my brother was gone, my sister was off doing her thing..and I was stuck at home in this. Although my father quit drinking when I was 16, that part of my life still haunts me very much. And I have struggled with negative feelings I harbor for him. Feelings he knows nothing about. I can remember thinking when I was a child about if he died what would I do, would I be sad..and I remember thinking I would only be sad because of my mother. I wouldn't miss him at all. Much guilt over these thoughts.

He isn't the same person he was then. It is hard to forget the past. Moving out was the best thing I ever did. I just couldn't live with my dad and be happy. We have a much better relationship now and I can honestly say I will miss him when he passes. I will miss the new him, not the old....

I often don't want to be an adult. I don't want responsibilites or to act or look grown up. But I do because I have too. I would much prefer to hide away somewhere or run through the woods and field like I used too when I was young. I long for that happy time when I was unaware of other's opinions or self hatred or the pains of depression. When I was my true self and wasn't ashamed to be her in all her glory.

This weekend I was working through my natal chart, charting my astrology.....I mean deep charting...the houses and so forth. And I discovered what I have been searching to capture again for years. I caught a glimpse of my inner child buried deep within myself.....who I have always been and always will be. It enabled me to strip away all the junk I have picked up as an adult. It was a beautiful feeling to finally be reunited with of all the bs that has followed me for so long, feeling love and understanding for that inner child who needs to be heard and acknowledged. I still have issues, but I definately have made some progress.
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