March 24th, 2001


A Good Way To Look At It

I said this to my sister last night "I am going to have the thoughts in my had. There is not anything I can do about it right now. I can though control my actions" (ok well its not exactly what I said because my memory for quotes even my own is lousy but its close)
I will still have compulsions, irrational fears and beliefs but I am still in control. I may slip sometimes but each time I slip I learn more and learn my motivations which brings me closer to learning new ways. No its not easy to stop myself but I am trying.
Beth disappeared for a few days and I went through a few emotions: hurt, worry and anger (wow was I really angry?) So I took control of the situation. So I could let it go and basically let her be and not sit there and continue to act on my fears, I wrote her an email with a drawing of mine attached. I told her I could tell she wanted some space to think about everything since she and her bf are going through major problems in their relationship. I told her that I was here when she needed me and to call me when she wanted to get together or talk. Then I sat back and waited. She immed me last night and said she really appreciated my email..that it meant alot to her. She talked to me some about what she had been going through. She asked if I wanted to get together tonight.
I learned a lesson. See I had both the rational and the irrational fears about her in my mind. Fear of my inner child that she would take offense with my email...she didnt write me in response to it so of course that part of me jumped to conclusions. I had that fear of abadonment. It really has been triggered easily lately. Then there was the rational adult me which basically has learned when Beth is blue she disappears..she doesnt call back and such. I acted on that rationality and didnt let the childs fears affect my actions.
I have to work on the its not me its them concept and I am trying very hard to. It wasnt me and my adult knew that, My kid inside was afraid to believe it tho.....
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