February 24th, 2001


Memories of Dad and the Parallels in My Male Relationships

Daddy and Me

I always wanted his attention. More than anything. I wanted my Dad's love. I would go to him and ask to spend time with him. He would be conducting orchestras in the lving room or be entranced by his fish. Hed romance his plants but when it came to his lil girl, it was only when he wanted to spend time with me. You would think a father would want to spend time with his daugher but no he didnt. He did when he felt insecure and wanted to make sure i loved him. He came to me when he and my mom had a fight.

He later told me when i was older (maybe five years ago) he didnt like me as a kid. I was whiney and crying all the time in his eyes. I told him that I was being tortured in school. That I was so unhappy and so sad. Recently he said he was very selfish then. Maybe this is why I have ended up with very selfish men.

I am learning so much about the choices in men I have made. I am slowly coming to the point where I realize its the wanting the attention of someone whose attention is so hard to get. When I get their attention it is a rush. I have been working through the issue with my dad. Unconsciously I thought if I could have the attention of these men it would heal the hurt about being rejected by my own father.

I think the men I have been with have liked me and have had intense feelings for me at times but in general was thinking of themselves and how they could keep from getting hurt or they were so afraid of losing control so they gave me little. I would worships words...question them privately but not dispute them. I was so happy for the attention.

Now I am learning I am worth more than a lil attention. I dont want to have someone spend 80% of their time acting like I dont exist. I dont want to keep reliving the same experience over and over again.

I do miss Daren. I miss Drew a little. I know I miss John my first alot but I need to see it clearly. I had to wait for the times they would give me the attention I craved so badly. I would wait and sit diligently while hurting inside. Id bite my tongue and quickly get that rush the minute they would come over to me and kiss or hold me. It made it worth it. I never could trust any of these guys. I never could beleive i was really worth as much to them as I thought they were to me. I was constantly trying to trust and would feel so abndoned and bad about me.

I do not want to feel that way anymore . I want to be able to walk away from attention misers quicker. I have been doing that more and I praise me for that.

I realized I can walk away from a guy who mistreats me. I can walk away from a guy I am not attracted to. I do not have to feel grateful to a guy because he likes me or thinks I am attractive. Its not easy but at least I am taking steps to change my patterns and that is all I can do.
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