February 11th, 2001


playing with myself

When I was younger I spent a lot of time alone. I think i was a pretty imaginative child. I would spend hours with a tape recorder. I would make up songs, sing songs I found the lyrics to in Songhits magazine, play with my barbie dolls, draw, make up skits, do impressions, make sounds and play the piano we had with one hand. Oh yeah and read comics, Archies and Romance Comics. Then somehow I over the years stopped apreciating that time by myself. I have moments where I love to be alone and I embrace my interests with a passion.

I play my cds and lay back and love the music I hear. Or I start drawing in a passionate flurry. Sometimes I can go through my massive movie collection and watch a video. I have so much to entertain me plus me but lately I am having a hard time enjoying my company when I have it too much. Is it possible to take youself for grabted?

Beth is taking me for granted right now. It hurts a lot. I got into such a ritual with her and now its not happening anynore. Every Friday night like clockwork for close to four years we would go out. Its like now I have to fill even more time with myself. I think i need to find more ffriends...friends who can hang out with me. I havew wonderful friends but they are with their boyfriends or like in Fuschias case live so far away.

I know I can be great company. I am funny and animated the more I am around people. Like a kid I love attention. I love to make people laugh. It is an energy. I miss that energy right now.

I do not know why but if I do not spend time with friends...I have a harder time being alone. I want to be able to do as Sark says and marry myself..enjoy and value my time with me but something is blocking me. I think some of it is my job. I work helping people all the time. I have to keep this professioinal distance..boundries and I have no release. It makes me feel even more alone because I am at an isolated job in many respects. Its just em and the client. So much me me me. I like to bounce of off people but I cnat bounce off of me I just plop on teh florr cause there is no spring.

I am sick oof rules and regulations for my behavior. I am so busy watching myself so I dont get hurt or so I stay strong or that I dont act codependent that I am unatural. I am not able to be that imaginative child who loved to explore her gifts. I need to find her again.
  • Current Music
    none talking to my sister on icq :)


I just wanted to give out some of the hugs I said people could get if they needed them. I hope all is going well for all of you. *HUGS*

That's more than I can say about anyone else...

when I was a kid clouds were so puffy.
when I was a kid the lake was so green.
when I was a kid hearts were always open.
when I was a kid candy was to be inhailed.
when I was a kid it was socially accepted to dress weirdly.
when I was a kid lunch was a dollar.
when I was a kid ice cream was a quarter.
when I was a kid I loved fat free milk.
when I was a kid people came to me.
when I was a kid I enjoyed singing and dancing.
when I was a kid 8:30 was staying up late.
when I was a kid people were appreciative of me.
when I was a kid I was noticed.
when I was a kid it was more fun when the grass wasn't mowed.
when I was a kid swimming in the snow made for wonderful afternoons.
when I was a kid ambition was easier to come by.
when I was a kid I loved everything.
when I was a kid the bus was cool.
when I was a kid raincoats were fun to play in.
when I was a kid I wanted to be a grown-up...
  • Current Music
    New Found Glory-black and blue
  • evaq8

(no subject)

When I was a kid, my father worked and my mother stayed at home to raise us. Divorce was out of the question at that time. Summers meant playing all day outside...3 months of freedom. We had no rights. We were raised to become a work force. Like little soldiers. The pursuit of happiness was not a goal in life. We put aside our emotions because we didnt know what to do with them.
And look what my generation has become. Caught between the baby-boomers and Generation X. The No-Name Generation. The House Brand. The anonymous ones.

I went to highschool with very intelligent and talented people. Promising youths.
Take C, for example. C was a beautiful girl. Intelligent. She was in my Physics class and it was outstanding how quick she would understand the stuff. Talented. She could sketch beautifully and play divine piano. What happened to her? She got married right after high school to the brother of my friend H. They're divorced now. She's a cleaning lady.
Take me, for example. With a talent to write and sketch. Why did I choose Sciences?? Because I had to study to find a job and work! Not be happy...WORK!

Children today are faced with Life's reality at an early age. They are forced to live an adult life style.

They go to Day Care. Up early in the morning for about 50 weeks a year. They follow their parents' schedule. Then its school and when school's out for the summer, they go to Day Camp. Up early in the morning for about 50 weeks a year. Then, they'll find a job. Up early in the morning for about 50 weeks a year. Till they die.
Add to this the constant travelling between mom's house and dad's house if the parents are divorced.

I wonder what will become of them.
The Drilled Generation? The Depressed Generation?
Will there be more Adult Children?

I look at my 9 year old nephew. Too wise for his age. Too smart. Never really a kid.
He has to face difficult situations like his parents separation. He is expected to act like an adult. And he does...most of the time. When he doesnt, when he acts like a 9 yr old kid, his parents feel guilty and run to the therapist. But do they think about him? Do they take care of the child first?

There is no place for kids on this Earth and in our society. There never was.
Thats why I always feel out of place.