February 9th, 2001


not nineteen

I have realized that I am not nineteen. I know Im 32 but I often can forget. I feel so young inside..on a day when I get lots of sleep and low stress (ha ha ) I look younger. I realized today when a nineteen year old asked me to help him find another apartment in this complex..how old I am in comparrison. He said "yeah 395 a month for an efficiency is good for a ninteen year old" and I thought to myself..I am 32. 32 .32..wow. Nineteen was 13 years ago. I could have a child by now but ,,as I knew when I started this community, I am still a child in so many ways inside.

Nineteen when I was in college. Nineteen when my first love left school and then treated me like a stranger for three years. Nineteen when I was safe in school and wasn't yet in the outside reality of life. I get along much better it seems with more ninteen year olds than I did when I was that age, Are teens getting more mature or am I just more comfortable? It does seem that there are so many intelligent, creative and passionate teens and people in their early twenties out there. I wonder where they were when I was younger. l I did find some. Two I am still friends with.

Have I changed or remained the same...I think I have changed. Yet remained the same in some ways. Despite recent slips into insecurity and self meanness I do think I like myself more.

I often wonder why I am seldom attracted to people my own age. They all seem to look too old..like my Dad. I like younger men usually. Is that because I cant see myself as a 32 year old woman?
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