January 18th, 2001

natalie dee- i don't care ok?

(no subject)

this is my first post into this community.. so hello.

i haven't posted before because i deny my inner child so much(because of the pain involved) so i don't have my inner child feelings most of the time.. i do have the playful child like feelings but those are really a manifestation of my adult self. i am a playful person.. some would say immature.. but the reality is i appreciate children for their beauty and innocence and i want to be that way myself. but for me to let my inner child out is very different than what you would think of. (playing with Barbie's and being silly) my inner child was abused and hurt a lot and eventually abandoned and this has molded my whole life. all the fears i have. all the suffering i do. every time i over react because of fear. all my defense mechanisms are intact to protect that little girl that lives inside me. to shield her in a world of darkness and loneliness. because for these last 22 years shielding her away has been easier for us both than the pain we both feel when she is let free. its days like these that she peeps through a hole in her wall and see's what going on.. she's more perceptive than i am and much more sensitive. she picks up on little things i never would have and associates every ounce of her suffering with the loss of our mother.

she has a really good hold on my reality today, times like this i wonder if she likes making me suffer. maybe she feels like she's not worth anything unless we are suffering over something or someone.

today i realized that my baby would be very close to being born. and that little girl that lives inside me decided that now would be a good time to remind me of all the other people whom i have lost for one reason or another.

and I'm really angry at her right now.
  • Current Music
    Bauhaus - Who Killed Mr. Moonlight
  • evaq8

Even LiFe.

I realized today that I have transformed everything my parents gave me.

I have turned fear(s) into challenge(s) and succeeded.
From shyness came sociability.
Conservatism is now uniqueness.
Science switched to Art.
Wanted to change life into death but found a new way of living...my very own.

I have recycled my heritage for the sake of spreading my wings and fly towards happiness.

Adult child.
  • Current Mood
    good good