January 16th, 2001


Old Thought Be Gone?

I saw Esther today my therapist. I stared at a board with a light that bounced back and forth and thought about that memory of being called ugly by boys when I was in early adolsecents So many thoughts came out of my mind. More specifically ones about how my parents didn't take care of my needs. How I have been with weak men. How I needed someone strong. How my mother calling me a piece of shit stayed with me. How it combined with being called caroaded in school and ugly in school. I cried tears that stayed in my lower eyelids. I thought of how my Dad rejected me. How my Mom cried and was always so sad. I thought of the child I was that just wanted love. Just wanted to be held and taken off of that awful bustop. The one where I was pelted with berries and snow balls. My mom claims she didn't know. How couldn't she have? I thought of how it must have felt to be me with noone to rescue me. I got angry and said fuck this and fuck that in my mind..not like me. I realized I was still angry at y parents for not being what I needed them to be. They needed me to wipe their tears and to make them feel better, They stiffled my anger and my tears. School was hell and so was home. I detatched to survive. I still detach a lot and am so in my head. Esther says this is how I survived. She said also that me seeing my glass as half full and being cynical was my way of surviving,,,pushing through all the way to graduating grad school. She said I dont need her anymore..she is being negative and I dont need that to get through. It made sense when she said it :) The funniest thing was after this session I went to the mall. I felt glowing..I felt radiant. At first when I entered the bathrrom and saw me I thought we are having a bad face day...I learned that bathroom mirrors in oublic places are not good for my ego. I am pale so they really make me look dead :) But anyway I later looked at myself in the mall and I looked beautiful to me. My hair loooked so read and my skin was porcelin looking somehow, My complexion is suffering this winter but somehow it glowed today. I walked taller and I didn't avert my eyes as much. I wonder could this EMDR have helped me already>? She said it is rapid at times. The negative thought that nevre got processed in the past can then get sent to the right part of the brain (not direction right) so it can be stored as a past memory and so I do not feel the same past hurt. I have to admit I was cyncial but I feel pretty darn good.
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