January 6th, 2001

  • ex_evil

(no subject)

ok...time to force myself out of the house. lol Think I'll go to Barnes and Noble and use up the 60 bucks in gift cards I have. :0)

and a huge THANK YOU to all the people who talked to me or sent me an email this morning. I was feeling really down and you guys picked me right up. If any of you ever need a friend, you know where you can find one. :0)))
  • Current Mood
  • evaq8

To draw is to play!

I love to draw.

I draw happy princes and princesses, banquet tables, enchanted forests and cows too.

Pencils, crays and crayons are the only things my parents buy me without me having to wait for my birthday or Christmas.
I guess Im quiet when I draw. Then they dont have to take care of me.
But Im always quiet and obedient. I dont understand.

I love to draw. It makes me happy.
  • evaq8

Nine years.

My inner child is sleeping. I do not want to disturb her. Her sleep is precious. I am her parent now and its my duty to make sure that her needs are met, that she is protected so she can trust me.

She wants me to tell you about her nine years with Nathalie. She thinks I can find grown-up words that you will understand. My inner child has a lot of feelings she doesnt understand or cannot express adequately. I am here to help her with that.

I met Nathalie on my first day of school. We were in the same class sitting right next to each other.
I was too shy to talk to anyone. I didnt understand this whole school thing anyways. All I knew was that I wasnt with my mother and that was pretty frightening. My mother raised me in fear of the unknown. School was unknown. I was scared.

Nathalie spoke to me first. I dont remember what she said. From that moment, she didnt let go of me for nine years.

Nathalie was an only child. Apparently, she had been very sick in her baby years so her parents thought that she should be spoiled because of that. They were rich. They could buy her anything her little heart desired.

What was she like?
She was ugly and really fragile. Her mouth was always open. She always said stupid jokes. She cried all the time. She had an amazing memory for trivial things. She needed help at everything she did. She was slow intellectually and physically. But her parents told us that she was a super gifted kid. Gifted at what? I still dont know.
Her parents did her homework. She had to go to a special school for problem children in grade 5. She smoked her first cigarette with her parents (!!!???). Super gifted, my ass! :))
All the kids laughed at her and pushed her around. Its almost like she had the word "Loser" tattooed on her face. Teachers had no clue how to deal with her. Plus, they were afraid of her parents.

We became "friends". "Friends" is a big word here. I became her protector, her caretaker, her toy, her thing.

I was ashamed to be seen with her because other kids would laugh at me too. Every friend I made I lost because they had to play with Nathalie. Nathalie wouldnt let me have friends of my own.
We were together 7 days a week from grade 1 to grade 4. We would go to school together and I would play at her house on the weekend.

She was the queen and I was her servant.
Anything I had was hers.

My parents didnt say a thing. When I would say that I didnt want to go to Nathalie's house, my parents would force me to go. "No" wasnt a word you could pronounce to Nathalie and her parents.

I was so miserable.
I hate(d) her and there wasnt anything I could do to get rid of her.
I felt guilty.
I wanted to laugh at her but I couldnt.
My parents laughed at her but would tell me that laughing at people was not polite.
My needs were secondary to Nathalie's.
I became a spoon.
I was choking and nobody offered help.
I saw teachers as incompetent people, adults as people you cant trust and myself as a tool others use but dont care about.

It took me nine years to have the courage to end this "friendship". I had to do it myself because my parents were too weak to do anything about it.

She came to my house to hang out. I told her NO.
I told her not to come anymore. I told her to leave me alone. "I dont want to be friends with you anymore. I had enough!! Go away!!"
She went home. Her mother called my mother. They tried to patch things up between us.
I was so strong. There wasnt a thing they could do to change my mind.
I never saw her again.

This "friendship" has influenced many aspects of my adult life: my relationship with men, my social skills, the fulfillment of my needs, my behaviour at work, etc.
This "friendship" is the primary cause of my burn-out last year.

I was a spoon.
I am a dragon now.