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30 March 2010 @ 01:30 pm
Today I accepted that I am a victim of abuse, and that sums everything up.  I didn't want to accept it, 'cause I didn't want to bemoan my lot.  But now, suddenly, I feel very at ease.  
Current Mood: calmcalm
The Crashing Down of Hollow Years: grownupsblackpaladin on March 30th, 2010 06:39 pm (UTC)
You are a victim of abuse. (And I'm sorry to hear it.)

Just remember that that is not all you are. You are still a human being, with a rich and productive life to live. As long as you don't "bemoan your lot," as you put it, to the point where you're using what happened as an excuse, your abuser will not have defeated you.
Andy Van Berkumandrewjvb on March 30th, 2010 06:50 pm (UTC)
Thanks. I am still a little worried about people bullying me.
The Crashing Down of Hollow Years: depressedblackpaladin on March 30th, 2010 06:55 pm (UTC)
That's not out of the ordinary. (Hells, that's not all that unusual for people, regardless of whether or not they've suffered abuse; very few people like being bullied. :) ) Yes, your fight-or-flight reflex is going to be stuck a little more emphatically on "flight" than most people's, at least for a while, and there's nothing wrong with that. What that means is that you have to remain conscious of that fact, and kind of "step out of yourself" in situations where that reaction threatens to override your rational brain, and look at yourself and say "Is the magnitude of my reaction really appropriate to the situation?" It's tough -- at 34, it's still a skill I'm working on -- but it's doable.

And for those times when you need some support in that, well, that's what we're here for. :)
Andy Van Berkumandrewjvb on March 30th, 2010 06:58 pm (UTC)
I've been criticized so much that I can't even really take into consideration whatever context the bullying is in. It just happens and then I appear however I appear.
白雪-曙霏: Punky Brewsterbrighidn on April 23rd, 2010 01:09 am (UTC)
Ditto with this situation. It takes alot of concentration and self-reassurance for me to understand that it is not natural to have people walk over me, that there are other options. We have the power to change things, but we may need to learn this more consciously than others.
Andy Van Berkumandrewjvb on April 23rd, 2010 06:17 am (UTC)
You ought to just know that you have the right to exist. Whatever you are, you just are -- thinking has nothing to do with it. If you get anxious and try to figure things out, how you should be...that's just "you on thought", know what I mean? The truth is that you could walk around without thinking at all, and you'd be perfectly safe.
Nikkifreetobeme18 on April 6th, 2010 12:00 am (UTC)
:) Yes I know how that can work. I wouldn't say it is automatically bemoaning if you are simply acknowledging that it happened and is a reason for some things. Good for you for figuring this out! :)
Lisolette: me and Ssoulstorage on August 10th, 2010 11:43 am (UTC)
I am glad you are allowing yourself to recognize you were being abused. Denial keeps us being abused. I hope since you wrote that entry you are no longer in that situation. I had to learn to not have people in my life that were bad for me. Since doing that I have found I am less triggered and each day getting closer and closer to healing. I finally found a guy that I can totally be myself with and let know when he inadvertently triggers past feelings or memories of abuse or fear or neglect. We talk about he hugs me and he learns more as do I. Before him I was with guys that made me feel unsafe, invisible, unimportant and I had to walk on eggshells. It is so incredibly wonderful to not have to deal with those feelings anymore.

Our brains get so used to fighting to survive that our defenses go into play when we don't need them to. They just got so used to protecting us when we needed them to. It takes time to convince that part of our brain that we are ok. There are grounding techniques to help with that...rational thinking ect. If you find it too hard to do on your own a therapist into CBT or DBT can be very helpful. I am a therapist myself and am so glad I have been able to help many adult children but it takes time... a lot. It is not bemoaning to mourn what is..it hurts admitting such things but the thing to do is not allow it to continue and start the healing.

I am so glad that you shared this with us. I am always hopeful that this community I created gives people support and validation. Good luck to you :)