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02 April 2012 @ 01:06 am
On clothing and the inner child...and 'growing up'  
I find that i dress generally like either a very feminine and old-fashioned 5 or 6 year old girl (everything pink, ruffly, sailor collars, mary janes or oxford shoes, opaque white tights, big hairbows, pigtails, long dresses, long skirts, ruffly white ankle socks, ruffly blouses, long ruffly nightgowns), or a slightly tomboyish 12 year old girl (blue jeans, denim cutoff shorts, sneakers, ponytails, baseball caps, t-shirts with Star Wars/Sailor Moon/comic books/rock bands, anything baseball related and esp. Atlanta Braves, Airwalks/Vans skate sneakers).
I do identify both of these with the girl i was, and although i prefer my 5-year old self i find that letting her 'come out and play' is hard, even with the simple choice of clothing. My mind (expecting people to dislike my clothing, due to my mother's verbal and emotional abuse and my father's physical abuse) tells me that my fiance' will leave me or cheat on me, because i don't dress 'normal'. He is an exceptionally wonderful, fun and sweet person who has told me many times that he would rather that i dress in the pink, sweet innocent clothes because he thinks i look 'sweet and warm and inviting'. He is fine with the more tomboyish, baseball-and-Han-Solo-and-Green-Day loving 12 year old, but encourages me to welcome and love the 5 year old especially because it is hard, and it's the part of me needing healing. (At age 12 i was being physically abused by a different relative with whom i lived b/c they got custody, but i actually have no anger or pain about it, since they hurt me in a far less permanent way than my mommy.) (Calling her 'Mommy' was very hard just now...sorry for rambling.)
I've gotten teased in the past for being a 'big baby' and it hurt, so i stopped feeling free to be ME.
Now i realise that i don't WANT to be 'grown up'. I want to work so that i can take care of myself in the 'big' ways...but to completely 'grow up'? To give up my calico critters and my dresses and aprons and my Disney Princess movies & music? To give up my ability to look at the world and see the dwarves digging for gold in the woods, or the dragon flying around a mountain, or the fairy dancing in the garden, or the unicorn under the apple tree, or the mermaid in the lake, or the goodness and hope and beauty in everything? To simply accept that people are bad and you can't change them and they won't change and i have to live with them? To stop dreaming, to stop hoping, to stop feeling?
I don't think so.
Sorry if this is just rambling, but has anyone else felt judged by others for the way the dress or something?
 
 
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Current Music: Mary Costa as Briar Rose--I Wonder
 
 
 
Bridgettunico_love on April 2nd, 2012 05:33 am (UTC)
That was really beautiful. My parents were also abusive and I have PTSD. At heart, I still feel like a young girl. Sometimes I dress really child-like or wear children's clothes, but sometimes I dress a bit trendier. I just wear whatever I like. I do tend to dress pretty feminine, though. And I love Sailor Moon:D Would it be okay to friend you?
This blog no longer active: 2thelastmermaid on April 2nd, 2012 01:20 pm (UTC)
Yes!!! I'd like that very much. :D
Nikki: butterfly girlfreetobeme18 on April 3rd, 2012 02:58 am (UTC)
Yes I have felt judged for the way I dress, and the way I act and the things I like. I try not to worry about it though and be myself, and tell myself when I'm feeling insecure and believing the mean things they say that my REAL friends like me for who I really am.

I think you can "grow up" without losing wonder in the world and your ability to have fun and like certain things. I think that is just a particular narrow stereotype of what "grown-up" means; it does not have to mean the same thing for everybody. You can be mature and capable and take care of yourself, and still be a child at heart.